Something different is happening. I hesitate to try to explain it, because it's hard to put into words, but I think I should try to do that now. I think I might be getting a little better and I think I know why. Sure, it helps me that the weather is not cold anymore, but there is more to it than that. I realized something very important because of something I was able to share with New Guy (and I'm so glad I can tell him things and he won't hurt me). Here is a quote from something I sent to him when I got really scared the night before Old Guy returned from vacation:

I'm trapped between the desperate little girl and the rest of me. Do you know what this business of (Old Guy) feels like to me? It feels like when my father used to say, "Come here. If you don't, it will be worse. If you try to run, I will hurt you worse. Come closer." I was sick a lot and couldn't run. I just wanted to live. I had no choice. I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. Please don't go away, okay? Please don't go away. I'm so afraid.

Yeah, Old Guy hurt me and scared me when I was desperate even though he was the person I depended on to help me, very much like my father who was really the mother who cared for me because my actual mother (the bitch) rejected me. Make sense? I hope so, because it's very hard to explain right now. Anyhoo, I saw this on a very deep level and was not prohibited from speaking about it. And that alone has changed things. I am not a helpless little child anymore. One may exist inside of me, but I can care for her. If someone who has hurt me and given indications that they might do so again tells me to come closer? I can say NO. NO is one of my favorite words (aside from 'fuck') and I am glad to be able to use it in a healthy context.

The agoraphobia has abated greatly. I feel a little better in general. I'm able to do more with more attentiveness and less anxiety and dissociation. And I LIKE it. I like it a lot. This is different from the 'fake reprieves' I've had in the past. They were born of dissociation and some part of me knew this and rushed like a madwoman to get done everything possible before I fell down the next rabbit hole. This is different. Am I suddenly and magically cured? No. Do I still have a mighty sleep dysfunction? Yes. Do I still drink at night? Yes. Do I have a little more freedom and some hope? YES!! That's good enough for now. It gives me hope for further improvement. I am desperately hungry for further improvement. I want to be well. And I will be. Somehow I will be. I will find a way to make it happen even if it's the last goddamn thing I do. But it won't be the last thing I do, it will be only the beginning.

Note to the Peanut Gallery: Shut the fuck up you bunch of loser assholes.