On Edge

Though the end of cold weather helps me some, I don't like Easter or spring break. There is so much pressure for me. I love having the kids home from school, but it gives me more pressure and provides me with less privacy, especially since all the kids are staying up late to watch TV and play games. The littlest wants to go 'camping', wherein she sleeps in my bedroom in a sleeping bag. She is precious and I do NOT have the heart to deny her. And this ramps up my worries of making weird noises or having some kind of PTSD spaz attack while I'm sleeping. I don't want my kids to think I'm scary or a weirdo. Plus, my husband spends a lot of time in our bedroom (my hiding place when the going gets rough) because the twins take over the big screen with their gaming systems all day. I feel so squeezed and I don't know what to do. Leave the house, you say? The agoraphobia, my dear, the agoraphobia. I need to go buy groceries and just the thought of it is making me come unwound inside. This is one of those times I might ask the hub to do it, but he is right here next to me snoring VERY loudly. It's grating my nerves, as is the sound of High School Musical coming from the TV that is about ten feet or so away from my head, as is the sound of Call of Duty from the big screen on the other side of the wall. The mother stopped by today. Yes, I hid in the bedroom. It took hours for the smell of her old lady perfume to follow her out the door. She even left some behind clinging to one of my babies (which makes me shudder). The chatter inside my head has been really bad and it doesn't stop when I sleep. I feel like crying but nothing comes out. I'm afraid to go to the store. Old Guy comes back from vacation Wednesday. I see New Guy Monday and I have told him too much. No, I haven't. Yes, I have. No, I haven't. Yes, I have. My head is a battle zone and I'm tired of being afraid.