I'm trying so hard to understand...

...but sometimes I even lose hope that understanding might help. I always stay up and procrastinate getting ready for bed. I'm afraid of going to sleep too early. I'm afraid when it is time to brush my teeth. I am terrified when it's time to take a shower. I have tried everything to trick myself into just acting normal, but I can't do it anymore (which might be why I don't jump out of bed and puke spontaneously these days). Still, this is no kind of life. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe I should celebrate because I was able to eat tonight? A healthy woman of my age should be able to do a lot more than that. I feel very sad now. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here and the only reason I can come up with is that my death would traumatize my children. New Guy says I will be okay. I want so badly to believe him. Sometimes I do, and then sometimes (like right this very minute) I don't.

You know what's weird? I remember waking up Thursday to find New Guy's reply to my desperate bedtime message. And I immediately felt stupid and wondered why I had sent it. Yeah, I had the luxury of feeling like that - BECAUSE IT WAS DAYTIME. It's not daytime right now and I don't feel good. I'm not going to send another message, though. I don't want to burn him out.

Did I mention that I don't feel good? Yeah, well that's because I don't. I feel terrible and I am sick and tired of living with a big, dark cloud of dread hanging over me and nothing makes it go away.