Maybe New Guy is right. Maybe I'm alright.

I wish I wasn't so lonely at night when I can't go to bed yet.

You know what, though? I was worried that New Guy would quit when I told him Monday evening that it was back on with Old Guy. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn't quit. He's glad that something happened to get me out of bed. Yeah, I know he wants to help me find a way to get up on my own, but he gets it that I don't have that right now. I'm glad he gets it because there are no 'relationship issues' with him and he is relentlessly on track trying to help me improve my situation. I certainly would not have wanted to lose that, either, because I really think he can help me.

I hadn't realized I was worried about this until we sat down and he asked me about my week. He was so surprised and happy that I am not in bed anymore and then he asked me if I knew why I had been able to get up. Yeah, I knew (Old Guy). I had a panic attack when I told him because I thought he would quit or something. Then the questions about what brought the panic attack. I nearly started bawling when I told him and he said he will still help me. I just want help, you know? He said, "I will still help you and no one is abandoning you. You're alright." He understood and was very nice to me. I felt like lying down on his couch and falling asleep with relief, but I was too busy trying not to cry like a baby.

I did fall asleep when I got home. It was a sound sleep with a good dream and my family startled me awake yelling something or other about my daughter's eye. Don't ya know people with PTSD LOVE to be startled out of sleep for... a stye. That's right, they freaked out over a stye. Of course, *I* jumped up thinking things like, 'I just KNEW somebody would eventually lose an eye in this house!' I'm figuring at least I got a nap. And people will still help me.