Get thee behind me, agoraphobia. *

I slept so well on Tuesday. Nearly straight through. Yes, still backward hours, but I felt very rested and got a lot done. And I left the house three separate times. The husband drove me to do the banking right after I rolled out of bed. We went to the bookstore after dinner. Later, right after the hubs went to bed, my sister called to let me know she had my Girl Scout cookies. I hopped in the car and went and got them - all by myself. I nearly wiped out my to-do list, so I put more on it. I included the things that I left off the first time around. I didn't do it in an OCD kind of way, either. I actually included all the real things that need doing that I didn't feel good enough to even put on the starter list in the first place. I even did a couple of them. I even paid my bills already. I feel good about these things. Really good.

On the downside, there is a price to pay for all that. Yes, it's my old buddy, hypochondria. I think it's because my muscles are so tight from being active after hiding in bed for so long, and also because the household has been so ravaged by colds (and because I'm paranoid and the anxiety keeps finding ways to not really leave). So I added a trip to GNC on my to-do list as a cure because I've been out of my beloved (yes, edible) aloe vera gel for months now. Oh, and some stretching to do something about the pitiful musculo-skeletal issues. And I ordered some more Sinofresh from drugstore.com. Finally, I told even the hypochondria to fuck off (then I promptly checked the sky for signs of any lightning bolts that might be looking for me). Right now I'm having a few beers and then I'm gonna hit the sack. I hope all that stuff helps. I need today to further the cause instead of having this period of goodness just be a one-off thing. I don't want this to just be a brief period of feeling better, I want some of it to last somehow. The only thing I can think of to help that happen is to be reasonable about what I'm doing instead of doing the usual where I hurry and work like a mad woman to try to get as much done as I possibly can in case a rabbit hole awaits me around the next corner (even just typing that makes me a little angry).

Guess what else I did? I finally started cleaning my desk in earnest. I had to stop because it was upsetting me. I could tell from the dates on the papers in the piles exactly when I started sliding down the hill and I could see the progression. The desk tells the story. I didn't like the story. It was alternately depressing me and making me angry to be reminded of slides and rabbit holes and the whole shitty process. I think I will just work on the desk a little bit each day. Enough to make progress, but not enough to make despair and/ or rage. I already waded through there and fished out most of the important stuff, so I guess it's okay to do it like that. I'll let you know what happens.

* No, I have not found religion. :-) The title of this post amuses me though, because my religiously insane mother once tried to have me exorcised to rid me of panic. 'Cause we ALL know that such can only be caused by demonic possession, right? Heh, heh. Even though the body and mind were horribly ill, you should have SEEN Rambo take control and clear those fools out of my house. They were probably more convinced than ever that I was 'possessed', but who gives a fuck? If they are too stupid to know the difference between pissed off and possessed, then they are too stupid for me to care what they think. Still - it makes me laugh. And she calls herself a psychologist. No wonder lady head-shrinkers make me rabid.

Dr. Nutjob getting ready to stab her distressed daughter in the back.