I think I might be in a rabbit hole.



Edited to Add -- 2:52 AM

I want out of here. I remember that New Guy once asked me to make a list of my strengths; the things I know I'm doing right. I'm publishing it here because I don't want to be lost. This is what I gave him:

1. I am doing right by siding with myself and my children and not trying to please abusers by sparing them of the truth. I don’t mince any words when it comes to the wrong actions of abusers and oppressors and the motives of those who protect them. That’s why I’m about as popular as a fart in church. So be it. Someone has to live in reality and tell the truth or more children will be damaged in the denial.

2. I am doing right by believing in myself and shunning poisonous ideologies that feed parent worship, pretence, denial and societal ruin. I am honest about this one, too. I don’t advertise, but I don’t hide my Atheism, either. I’m not the sort of person to do something that I believe is pointless so those around me can be more comfortable while I live in oppression. And I’m also doing right not to beat up on myself when I quietly do little things like put a pentagram on my front door for a little while when the Jehovah’s Witnesses are out and about. It works better than garlic. (And everyone needs a little entertainment - even me.) I also think I am doing right in NOT preaching Atheism to my kids. I don’t do this because I am for freedom and I want to preserve their freedom so they can make up their own minds when they grow up. I teach them HOW to think, not WHAT to think.

3. I am doing right by being a good mother to my son even though he is an adult and is in prison for robbing pharmacies. I don’t baby him, but I’m not one of these ‘tough love’ people who would disown their own child for screwing up. My son knows that what he did is wrong. And he also knows that I know there is more to him than his problems. I know what he is. He’s a good person with a lot of potential for his life. I don’t condone crime, but I do understand the pain that drove him. I’m not going to bash him or abandon him. Instead, I am managing his financial affairs while he is gone so there will be money saved up for him to help him make a new life for himself when he is released. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week and I send him books. I encourage him and help him keep his hope alive.

4. I know I am doing right by making sure my daughters get the best education I can give them. Many people think private schools are ‘coddling’ and a waste of money. I disagree. My children are exceptionally bright, they work hard and they deserve the best education. They love their school.

5. I’m a good financial manager. I know I am doing right by caring for my family’s financial well being in the manner that I do. And I am glad that my husband sees things the same way. We have no income that relies on any ‘employer’. We do not limit our income source to a ‘job’ that could be taken away on someone else’s whim. We have several sources of income, which together constitute a career that we share for the good of our family. We don’t listen to the status quo. It’s lame. We are both the kind of people who are not afraid to blaze our own trails. And even when we are afraid, we usually do it anyway.

6. I know I am doing right by rejecting the medical model as the explanation for mental and emotional distress. I am smart enough to know the real reason society gravitates to this. Very few people have the balls to stand up and tell the fucking truth about it, though. Lucky for me, I have a big pair of brass ones which I earned the hard way. The truth is that trauma, abuse, poisonous religions, and dysfunctional families and societies are the reasons for most of this kind of distress. There is no ‘crazy gene’ and there is no pill that can cure the pain of child abuse, incest and rape. I think society wants people like me to be drugged as a matter of course because the real truth makes them uncomfortable. And I further think that if others are that fucking uncomfortable with my distress, then they should take the drugs themselves. I am officially diagnosing the delusional majority with Reality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. The shoe is on the other foot now. We’ll see how they like THAT shit. Generally speaking, people can be very stupid.

7. I know I am doing right by being as honest as is wise with my children about my family of origin and about my own problems. They know my parents were cruel to me when I was a child, but I didn’t burden them with any disturbing details that might harm or scare them. They know that my brothers are child abusers and that is why they are not allowed to be around them. They know that my mother still likes to create trouble for me and that she is not very good at taking care of children, so they don’t go over there, either. Obviously, they know about the sleep disorder. I openly acknowledge that it is limiting and unusual. And I never tell them that they are not allowed to speak about it or that it must be kept secret. I also make sure they know it is not hereditary, contagious or fatal. Above all, I make sure they know my problems are not their fault IN ANY WAY. To me, that is love. Love is telling the truth and taking responsibility so children don’t have to. If I never accomplish anything else, at least I’m doing that. I am the first person in my family to do it, the first one to crawl out of the filth and the lies, develop a spine and stand upright. I am evolution at its finest.