A Fork in the Road

Here's the deal: I am quite miffed by my last appointment with New Guy. Don't get me wrong - he's been very kind to me and though it's early, it has been somewhat helpful to me to meet with him, but... you knew there was a 'but' coming, didn't ya? Something happened Tuesday that makes me wonder if this is right for me. And because of that, I have been forced to consider two other things about him that should perhaps give me pause. I'll start with the two other things.

Thing 1: Dude is a Christian. I know y'all are shocked that this did not disqualify him immediately with me, but I can sense that New Guy has appropriate boundaries and I just don't feel that it will enter into the equation. It had better not, at any rate. Now I'm wondering if it should have been a disqualifier anyway. And yet, I didn't wonder that before Tuesday.

Thing 2: He dropped the F bomb. No, he didn't say fuck, he said forgiveness. You know, that slippery little word that has lost its meaning and should be kicked out of the dictionary because everyone makes up their own definition or adopts one that has been fed to them in the middle of a religious or therapeutic cow pasture? That word that is used as a tool to shame survivors and beat them about the head and shoulders? The one that uses our own damage against us to swiftly and unconsciously enforce the 'no talk' rule and the 'you're not allowed to be angry' rule and the 'it wasn't that bad' rule, and the 'you're a rotten person if you don't forgive' rule? Yes, THAT F bomb. Thankfully, he did not use this word in regard to rapists or child abusers. Still, he used it. He used it pertaining to what Old Guy did to the teenage girl. And this netted him his very first hate mail experience from this therapy which was rife with that OTHER F bomb. Because I'm sick of being fucked around by therapists, ya know? IT MAKES ME INSANE. In the ensuing discussion I could sense that he had no personal investment in forgiveness. It felt to me like something he just threw out there in order to see if it was something I was inclined to use. It still irked me, but it seemed less important and perhaps not a danger. But now, after Tuesday, I wonder if a pattern is developing.

Tuesday felt to me like I was being slipped a storage container in which to stow my stuff and given a tub of mortar complete with trowel so I could toss the container over a dissociative wall and fortify it so nothing could escape. We talked about the material from the previous session, how the details of the discussion had gone somewhat missing for a couple of days and then returned with panic and related historic (though never dissociated) recollections. Then he immediately started talking about how 'digging' (his word) for memories can lead to false recollections (only he used the term 'false memory'). The previous session had NOT included 'digging'. It was simply questions about what things made me panic and dissociate. We have never gone 'digging'. I have NEVER, EVER had ANY therapist try to do anything like that. No, I have had mostly the polar opposite - the ones that don't want to know and just want everyone to run around pretending to be happy and taking lots of bubble baths while mindfully peeling oranges. Those are the ones I'd like to strangle and I hope they choke on their fucking oranges. And I feel completely safe in saying so because I know they will all instantly forgive me, which means I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. Get it?

After the topic of the accuracy of memory, something even juicier was waiting for me - it seems my genetic heritage was called into question! I shit you not! I was telling him about Aunt P. She is the one who is only five years older than I and was very close to my father, He spent a lot of time alone with us. AND - she's nuts like me. Coincidence? I think not. Enter genetic theory, right? And the possibility of my family's genes being fucked up in a way that afflicts only the females. :-) Yes, folks. It's the hysterical female crazy gene! I'm still pissed. Sorry. I am. BECAUSE SOME FREUDIAN TYPE OF THEORY IS A MUCH MORE LIKELY EXPLANATION THAN INCEST AND ABUSE!!!!?? 'Cause it's all in the fucking genes, you know? We've got genetic excuses for EVERYTHING now. I'm sure I have panic attacks, PTSD, bouts of anorexia, unexplained genital pain, and I dissociate ON CUE because my genes tell me that the shower is BAD. Yes, that's got to be it. Well, psychotherapy can't fix my genes, so... ??? Why bother?

This sounds like denial and sexism to me. Well guess what? I don't fit any fucking female stereotypes and I'm pissed as hell. Yes, I called him on it. I had to do it via email because it took a little time for the whole thing to sink in as I could not believe what I was hearing. He apologized for an unspecified 'misunderstanding' (Old Guy's favorite word) and said that it is just a theory and should not be used as a handy excuse for the aftermath of abuse (BUT IT IS!!!) and he assured me that he is here for me. The funny thing is, I believe he is here for me. I really do. Now I have to decide whether or not that is a good thing. I don't know what to do.

I hate to sound like an asshole, but many religious types will do almost anything to protect male privilege and the office of parent. Even when the parent in office is a fucking dickweed. Many of them don't even know they are doing it. Others just use spin. I don't like spin. It's manipulative. Here's my problem - this is no longer about individual therapists. After all, how many individuals does it take to create a community? This is no longer about a search for a therapist, it is about whether or not to continue therapy AT ALL. I have had many therapists over a twenty-four year period, and I'm not impressed. Would you like to see their composite photo?

TOP TEN QUOTES FROM MY POISONOUS INNER THERAPIST WHO LIVES IN THE PEANUT GALLERY:

10. "Did I tell you to think about that? I didn't tell you to think about that."
(Nobody tells me what to think, God Boy. I'll think about whatever the fuck I want.)

9. "Forgiveness is the easiest way to put this behind you."
(I know you meant well, but I wish I had known better than to bite that hook. Again. And again. And again.)

8. "I like a pussy with a lot of hair around it."
(That's um... nice to know. But you're barking up the wrong tree. Now beat it, scumbag. Don't make me castrate you. It'll stain the carpet.)

7. "Can't you just smile when you feel sad?"
(Can't YOU just get real? No? Please pass me that happy stick you wield around so I can beat the hell out of you with it.)

6. "So he got his little pee pee sucked. Big deal. He probably enjoyed it."
(I'm still speechless all these years later... just speechless... Get some help, lady. You're way worse off than I am.)

5. "It doesn't matter if you sign the paper or not. I can still protect you."
(Really? Who will protect me from your protection? I guess that would be me. Which is precisely why I quit with you when the aliens were coming to clone me. I knew better than to tell you about them. I knew you were more dangerous than they because you are real.)

4. "If you can't live in the present moment, then you need to be medicated."
(Fuck you.)

3. "I want you to go to the hospital and tell them you are in love with a man who wishes you had a penis."
(All because I couldn't stop crying when you berated me because that fucked up situation was not cured by your dumb suggestion of going out for walks. You're a retard.)

2. "It is very damaging to your son that you moved away from his (abusive) father."
(Bite me, you ignorant ass.)

And finally, courtesy of Old Guy (the one I trusted the most), the #1 most damaging thing ever said to me by a therapist, and in one of the most devastating contexts imaginable...

1. "There is a difference between support and indulgence."

And now I have finally turned mean as a matter of course. It's my default setting now. That is what a horrifically abusive childhood, three rapes and twenty-four years of trying to find help has done for me. Anyone want to join me when I run off to a deserted island? There are no therapists there. And we can generate our own power and watch every episode of 'Life After People' (it totally rocks). We can learn how to brew our own alcohol before we go, and I will bring a giant cache of pills and some sharp instruments in case one of us needs to check out early. Any takers?