Sent to Old Guy on December 29 --
I went to the new therapist. I tried to notice the color of his eyes and the sound of his voice this time, but I couldn't. As usual, I only saw his ankles. I have the shape of them memorized. I guess that's because I can't actually look at him and can only look at the floor. And maybe because he sits directly across from me and wears form fitting socks. I can't talk to you on Wednesday unless you send me something soft of yours that I can sleep with. Jenny is still distant and I TRIED to get physical comfort from (husband), but that ended with a frozen and terrorized woman-child who could not say no and afterward began spending all her time batting away flashbacks and becoming willing to do ANYTHING just to survive each passing moment. And I do mean anything. I don't care anymore, (therapist). I'm all out. No place is safe. I don't care about myself anymore. I hope I die in my sleep today. If there is any justice at all, then I will not wake up again. If I do happen to wake up due to high functioning kidneys, and you can't help me restore what we had without analyzing everything to death, then I can't talk to you anymore because there is no point in anything. So, if you think this is done then please consider this my cancellation of everything and just let me know. Otherwise you can let me know that you sent me something of yours. If I don't hear from you, then I will understand that it is all over.
He did not respond, so I did not call for the next appointment and he sent me this on
January 4 --
Hi Lynn,
Didn't hear from you last week. I was going to
let you know I will be out of town from January 15
until February 1.
take care, (therapist)
Please note that this man has a habit of ignoring things (like my email) that he doesn't want to deal with. He specifically ignores email when I am in distress.
My same-day reply to his email inquiry --
i sent you an email last tuesday
I've been miserable and needed some kind of peaceful closure, so I sent this on January 9. I requested a read receipt, and he either did not read it, or he declined to allow me the notification (the only closure I was expecting because of how things are). My history with him leads me to suspect that he opened the email and declined to allow me to have a receipt. Here is the email I sent on the 9th and I have added the colored highlights in parentheses for the convenience of blog readers --
(Therapist), I miss you so much right now. I have been missing you a lot. However, I must heed logic. What’s right is right - even if it kills me. It’s just how things are. I regret so much how things have ended up between us. Still, I want you to know something. If you are right and I am wrong, we might have another chance one day in some other place and time. I just want you to know that if we do, I will not fight with you during any vacation or other space that we might share (he admitted to me that he had been fighting with his wife right before he attacked and invalidated me for being upset over having been raped). I will cherish every moment of your company. If I will be jealous of anything, I might be jealous of the lure of nature and I will want some time alone with you indoors to eliminate the distraction. Just a quiet place away where I can be so near to you that I can take in every breath you exhale. And I’m not just saying that because you have the loveliest teeth I have ever seen. No, it is more. So much more. (I know how this might read to others, but I have been with him for four and a half years and there has never been sexual impropriety in any way, shape or form, so I know very well he would not misunderstand this.) If some particular views of yours turn out to be more accurate than mine, then please watch for me. In some other place and time, in some other life - I will be there. Of course, I have no idea in what capacity that might be, but I will be there. I hope you will know me. I’m sure I will know you. I’m quite sure. And though I am in terrible pain now, I’m sure I will still love you then. I never imagined that I would meet any therapist like you. Never. It just never entered my mind. The very unfortunate Old Incident aside (above in red), who might imagine that a person might ever fight with their therapist like they are two little kids on a playground? That aspect of things was not all bad, though. Badly timed and very difficult, but also illuminating in some ways. I just wish you could have understood me better. Or maybe you do and I just wish it could have been sooner. Maybe it is a difference of values. Probably (almost certainly). I don’t know, but I won’t forget you, (therapist). Not ever. In this life, if things ever change for you, if you have some shift in perspective (work through your need to deny my reality), I hope you will call me and let me know. I might need a therapist.
Lynn
True to form, he totally ignored me.
Desperation sucks, and this went out to him at the crack of dawn on the 12th because I was so scared and not well --
I don't understand why you don't care anything about me. I don't understand why I am so unimportant.
I've not heard anything in any form at all and I don't expect to. Point taken. I guess he faked his way through a lot of years. Nice to know. I guess I'm not paranoid after all. Sometimes feelings ARE facts. Oh, yes. Sometimes they are. What do you think? Did I quit or was I abandoned?
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I am loathe to say that you quit or you were abandoned.
ReplyDeleteFrom my perspective, it seems odd that your therapist wouldn't at least acknowledge your emails - though you say this isn't out of character.
I have been - or felt I've been - in this space too many times to count. But you know what? Usually there was a simple explanation for the lack of email acknowledgement.
Without knowing a great deal about your history with this therapist, are you able to go back to discuss this with him?
It's horrible feeling like you're being ignored and your therapist doesn't give a toss. Particularly when this may not be the case at all.
Please forgive me if I've barked up the wrong tree.
Take care.
That e-mail certainly deserved a response. I hope there's a simple explanation for this that doesn't imply that you've been fobbed off.
ReplyDeleteI too find it hard to believe that he will not acknowledge emails, not only not acknowledge them, but actually act as though they don't even exist. Especially due to the nature of your therapy being long distance, doesn't he recognize the value of writing? I suppose not.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you quit, but I don't want to commit to saying you've been abandoned.
Possibly neither, although I can understand how you feel. Possibly, he is giving you space in which to handle something on your own, with an understanding that he will be back and you could discuss it then?
ReplyDeleteI guess you can mark my vote a decided "not sure."
It seems crazy making to me. To not acknowledge that type of email (ontheledgepleasehelpme) is just unacceptable. And then to behave as if it was never recieved and just continue on and to actually comment that he did not hear from you??!WTF!!!! No wonder you have been dissociating! He is denying your reality by ignoring that you tried to communicate to him. When I talk with my mother; she talks, I listen and may even make comments and when I do, she is real quiet, then actually says,"Now,...." and continues on with her story as if I had not said a word. Meanwhile, I am left wondering if I really did speak at all or if I just imagined it. Please don't go back and get kicked in the teeth again.
ReplyDeleteStephanye
I really feel for you...I don't think you quit. Therapy is hard work it's important to receive validation from the person that is trying to help. Hope your able to connect with the person to sort out this confusion.
ReplyDeleteIt IS crazy making. It is. I need to be done with it, too. It feels like he's gaslighting or something. All I have to do is make it to the weekend with no more attempts to contact him and then he will be gone for two weeks. Maybe I will feel better during that two weeks and the whole mess will have less power over me at the end. As painful as it is, I really need to get out from under.
ReplyDeleteThe logical brainy side of me says he is putting boundaries in place while trying to help you work through things yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe major part of me says to hell with the above. Not responding is sucky and there is no excuse.
I had to look up "gaslightning somebody" and it is given as "in den Wahnsinn treiben", making somebody seriously mad.
ReplyDeleteWhat follows is my personal opinion, nothing else. Let my say something clearly to answer your initial question: I think this person did turn away from you, deceided to have no more contact or - for whatever reason - to minimize contact to you. I have no idea whether this person is simply a mindless, reckless and irresponsible idiot or is trying to harm you with full intent. I do not think that the latter is right, this would mean activity and thoughtfulness - and both is not there: There is passivity and emptyheadness. This is what I read from what you describe here.
I learn that the person in question is your therapist and that you had a very intense and trustful relation over the years. But as you know every single human being changes in time and thus our relations to fellow human beings do change over time. I do not know what happened or changed and I do not know whether it is useful to try to analyze it. This depends on whether you want to see your therapist again or not. But what I guess is the most important thing: Your perception, your "feeling", is right and trustable, use it and trust yourself.
"The logical brainy side of me says he is putting boundaries in place while trying to help you work through things yourself." Putting boundaries in place without letting me know that? Expecting me to read his mind? Yep. Crazy-making. And he is NOT trying to help me work through things myself. He can't do that if he has abandoned me. He is not 'helping' me work through things - he has LEFT me to do that and has declined to say so. Unless my mind-reading skills are shot to hell. See? He's a crazy-maker.
ReplyDeleteAs far as emptyheadedness goes, I believe he is that way by choice whether he realizes it in full consciousness or not. He is the type of person who meditates away all disturbances. He is an avoider because he cannot deal with his own conflicts. I cannot respect such a thing in someone who is a therapist. I cannot be helped by someone who has such a deep need of his own to engage in dissociation.
Where does this lead to?
ReplyDeleteOne possible thing is that you will lift your eyes when you sit with the new man, one day. Shoes, socks, trousers, shirt, maybe the person even has a face? And you look - out of curiosity - without fear. Believe me, you have seen it all. There is nothing to fear.
I hope that it all leads there. That you can kick fear goodbye. Or at least a little bit, for starters.
OMG! I seriously just wrote out this long comment and then I got a GD error message and now it's gone! URGH!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo, what I said was this: YOU deserve better! He has an obligation to you as your therapist to model a healthy relationship for you. That does NOT include his ignoring you- no matter what is going on in his own life. His ignoring you is only reinforcing what you learned as a kid that you don't matter and that your feelings don't matter. And that is just not true! And he is supposed to help you see that is not true.
How are you?
ReplyDelete