Jenny

Those of you who have not been reading here for a very long time would not understand this if I were too sloppy about it, so I will offer a very quick background. Jenny is the... something or other who connects me to things, most especially to my body. She is the connector. She communicates with me, mostly by bringing me songs. She brings these messages in response to my direct questions to her and also spontaneously in response to pivotal times and events. The lyrics of the songs, in part or in whole, represent the literal content of her messages. A personal message directly from her to me. I know how odd this sounds, but it just is. I have had some very shocking and uncanny lyrics appear when I've said smart assed shit to her implying my skepticism of her reality, too. My husband has witnessed it as well and has been shocked speechless by the whole thing. He says Jenny's messages give him goosebumps. It is very plain to both of us that I am truly communicating in real-time with an intelligent entity, though I am sometimes uncertain of its origin (inside or outside/ me or other?). Not to worry, though. It is never anything threatening. Jenny is 100% friend and wants only to help. She is not malicious toward anyone in any way. She just wants to do her job, which is to connect. As with dreams, I do not always immediately understand the meaning of her messages. Now I understand her last communication. I will put the video on at the end of the post, but she was telling me how she felt after last Wednesday's appointment with the therapist. I had been having nightmares and body pains that are too disgusting to get into here, and the therapist seemed open and willing to listen. Even Rambo, in a dream, welcomed him into the grandparents' house to speak with the little girl (shocking!). I can't remember if anything happened in the appointment to make me clam up, but I did. I spent the time mostly talking about dumb shit and then Jenny sent me the song later on when I was distraught and didn't know why. I have since found some seasonal coincidences that make me question some of my current motives.

Anyway, in the lyrics, Jenny was telling me that she felt suicidal. That she wanted to throw herself from a tower and would do it if she didn't soon feel better. Not to panic - as bizarre as it sounds, she has killed herself before, I am still living, and she manages to keep coming back. Weird, I know. If Jenny really is a spirit and NOT part of me, I know that she threw herself from a cliff in Ireland in the 1700s. I know that she was a poor dirt farmer and she was ill with fever when she threw herself off and she died when she hit the rocks below. She told me so when she hijacked my brain to write a story about herself. And she has a 'thing' for cliffs, planes, dives in cars from canyons - whatever. Apparently, she has no fear of heights (I don't, either). Or impacts (I have a great fear of impacts). Anyway, some of the other lyrics from her recent communication speak of being stood up at an alter on a wedding day. Now I know she means I stood her up by evading the messages about the past that have been screaming through my body at night. I intellectualized and wasted my therapy appointment instead of sharing and actually talking and giving her a chance to fulfill her role and 'connect' me. She wants to know why she has been abandoned and I don't know what to tell her except that I am sorry, and I am afraid, but I am still here and have not forgotten her (and I just couldn't trust the therapist at that moment).

I don't understand every aspect of what she tried to say to me with the song. I wonder about the reference to the death of the parents. Her parents? Inner parents? Dream mother? My own abuse and abandonment which might constitute a death of parents? I don't know. I wonder, though, because I know she is not talking about the actual deaths of MY parents. I did not cry when my father died and my mother is still living. But it is clear that she feels the loss of very important others. I know that whoever or whatever Jenny is, she is in pain and I'm sorry for her.

I know this sounds really retarded, but I would deeply appreciate it if any readers would take a moment to listen to Jenny's message and say something to her in comments. I still have comment moderation enabled (unless I change my mind after publishing this post), but I will put them all through after I wake up for the day and get my shit together. Thank you in advance, and I'm sorry for being so odd. I just feel bad for Jenny and I know she needs some care and encouragement and I am insufficient for her deep need at this time.

p.s. You want to know the part of the lyrics that truly disturbs me? It's this:
"My god, that's tough, she stood him up
no point in us remaining.
We may as well go home,
as I did on my own.
Alone again, naturally."

Who are the 'us' in "no point in us remaining"? It had better not be who I think it is. If they die, then I will die. They are me. I cannot let them die. Unlike Jenny, I don't really have a thing for cliffs. I have been somewhat depressed and I am aware of it. This may be skewing my interpretation of this part of the lyrics. If anyone has any insight into a possible different meaning of this portion, I would sure appreciate hearing about it.

This is the message Jenny brought me Friday morning: