I'm not sure why or what's going on, but I'm in a weird spot. I feel like there are two worlds going on at the same time. I live in this one here, where I need to make food and lists, wash children's clothes, and clean things. Then there is this other one. It's very close and it follows me everywhere. I feel as if I might accidentally plunge into it if I move through space too quickly. And I do a little bit. I bump into the skin of the thing and I can feel that alternate reality trying to suck me in, but then I back off and make that world go distant once again. It costs me, though. I get to stay here, but I'm less available here. Less conscious and with diminished focus and abilities because so much of my brain is being used to stay out of that other world. Gravity must be stronger there. It seems that the force of its gravity can leak through the membrane between the worlds. I can still feel its pull. It's not a good world. I don't want it. There is crying coming from there and sometimes it is physically audible to me over here. I don't like that. I want it to go away. I can't let it get me. I can't let my husband see that happen to me again. It scares him and stresses him out and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I have some tenants to evict from a rental unit anyway and I need my attention for similar other things. Nice enough people, but the combination of being two months behind on the rent and ignoring phone calls just doesn't get it for me. So, I would be totally lost without my clipboard and the lists it holds. My clipboard has once again become an extension of my brain. Did I mention that I once overheard myself described as 'the pushy lady with the clipboard'? Well, that doesn't hurt my feelings. I'd rather be that than be the screaming psycho sobbing in the bedroom closet while reciting my address and the date and noting that the clothes in there are not 'fat clothes' and so they could not possibly belong to the mother. Even having to evict people is better than that. Even so, I am familiar with the pattern of running. At some point I will be too tired and won't be able to go on. Then I will be sucked into that other world, and it will probably, as most times, resolve exactly nothing. One of these days I think I will probably do something to put a permanent end to this. If my father were still alive, I would kill him first. Alas, he is dead, and though there are other responsible parties around, none of them can qualify as a person who needs killin'. Ah, well. Such is life.