Hello, (Potential New Therapist).
I am looking for a therapist who can work with PTSD and a
dissociative disorder caused by childhood trauma. No kind of phobia
killing CBT stuff works for me. Channel changing and thought
blocking are no different than dissociation for me. And I'm no pill
taker, either, and I don't believe in any god and have no need of
one. I just need a real person who is not afraid or crippled by
their own unaddressed stuff. I almost hate being this blunt because
I think no one will want a client like me. I'm just about ready to
give up on the fantasy of having real help and chalk the whole
thing up to 'magical thinking', but if you think you can work with
this, then please let me know. I'll be coming from Backwoods County and
I have a heavy-duty sleep disorder, so I will need evening
appointments. I notice you deal with sexual abuse. I need someone
who doesn't need me to make excuses for pedophiles, doesn't need me
to forgive them, and doesn't think anxiety attacks and crying are a
mental illness. Yes, I know this is probably the same as trying to
win the lottery, but I figure I'm at least buying a ticket by
sending this email. Let me know.
(Potential New Client)
Hello, (Potential New Client).
Thank you for contacting me. What you are requesting is certainly very
reasonable and on target. I have had extensive experience with anxiety, PTSD and sexual abuse and will be very happy to help you. Please contact me at my office listed below and I will discuss with you an appointment.
I look forward to hearing from you.
(Potential New Therapist)
Thank you. I didn't think I would find anyone. I can call Friday if
you are absolutely certain that you are willing to try to work with
me. There is one more thing you need to know before you say you are
certain I can make an appointment. I'm not the only 'person' in
here. There are children inside. They are protected, but they are
very sad and hurt. One of them came out to the last therapist. She
told him things and she panicked and cried a lot. He was very
trusted and he told her that she would have to take medication if
she couldn't live in the present moment. He was very mean to her
when she was already so hurt. He said mean things. He played the
get-over-it card. This has caused a massive amount of damage. I'm
in a lot of pain and I can't afford more damage. Do you still want
me to make an appointment?
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I don't think anyone ever "gets over" abuse. I think sometimes people learn to become tough and live their lives in spite of the abuse. Telling someone to "get over" abuse is like telling them to continue to walk and run in the exact same manner as a person who has two healthy legs when they have lost their legs in an accident. Yes, there are ways that they can still get around and live even a very successful life. No, they will never again be able to walk and run like a person with two working legs.
ReplyDeleteI think its the therapists that need to "face reality" sometimes.
I seriously doubt that you get over abuse EVER. However I have had therapy 20 years ago which helped a lot and next Monday I start Trauma therapy for the simple reason whilst I learned a lot 20 yeras ago it wasnt common to get a "toolbox". I developed some tools myself and manage fairly well having said that empowring will do me good and I am looking forward to easen further. That is what i think is possible: psycho-education, empowering, eye movement sensitation and working every day your tools. I love who I am but it took my 20 years!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't get how anyone can get over anything. My t told me to live in the moment. I told him all the moments that came before this moment affect this moment. He said then I'm not really living in the moment. I want to tell him, "fuck you."
ReplyDeleteBack to my wine.....
(((LYNN)))
ReplyDeletethere are *real* therapists left in the world?
I wish for a world w/o buckets, a world w/o pedophoile fuckheads...a world where we are free...
He never did email me back after I told him the rest... The rest? It was what was in the rabbit hole. I looked for a mommy down there, huh? Jesus.
ReplyDeleteLynn,
ReplyDeleteAre you sure he got your second email??????????
I so badly want this to work out you see.
Thank you for your honesty, K. I wasn't sure what all I felt about this whole situation when I read your comment this morning. However, it did prompt me to check that email account again. Turns out he responded Saturday morning and must have been off on Friday and could not get to Thursday's emails then. He read, he answered, and so he knows and he is still willing to meet with me. I'm not sure what I should do or what I will do. I do know this - I love you-know-who like CRAZY. I mean I really fucking LOVE that man. I even love him when I'm being an ass. And usually I'm only being an ass because I also love ME. I love ALL of me and he hurt part of me that day. I know it was a long time ago, but it really hurt and it set me back. It took away some of the amazing sense of hope and acceptance for myself that HE HIMSELF first gave to me when I was beseiged and had nothing of my own. He was SO patient and he GAVE to me. Week after week and month after month. He gave me himself and I developed some of my own permission out of his kind generosity. No one has ever done that for me in quite that way and I'll never forget it. Not ever. I love him for it. I will always love him. I am really torn about this. I also know I have been stuck, but less so now since the last couple of months with him. Shockingly, it seems my writings and our work together have turned him into a hater of buckets. He sees now, and he understands the many tricky ways that denial can manifest. I have heard the lightbulbs clicking on in his head and I know as well as I know I'm sitting here typing that his heart is in the right place. It always has been. I have hope with him, yet I have other things, too. And a little girl lies on the floor sobbing at the thought of losing her mother and she won't be consoled. The sound is so wretched... It truly pains me to the center of my being. And when her feelings leak through and become mine, then I am lost without this man who has become my mother. I haven't posted much about the enlightenment of the dream mother, as I am a little scared to hope, you know? And I remember the pain... In any case... Remember that post I deleted (moved to draft) in which I detailed the methods I would use to protect myself in order to feel safe meeting in person with a local therapist in this fascist state? Well... some of those methods are in place now. I have the proper phone with which to call on Monday should I choose to do so... I could complete the preparations very simply now in less than one business day. I hope I end up doing whatever is the best thing for me. For all of me. A tough call for someone with a problem like mine. And sadly, this seems like something that should require much thought - the very thing that brings me to my knees right now. Have I mentioned lately how much I appreciate you and the others who show up here and understand my problem? Well, you are very appreciated, my friend. You are loved and held in high esteem. And I wish I could be more open about this now, but the pain is so great that words fail me. I am a writer without words. Or perhaps I am one who just doesn't dare to write them at this moment. Words CAN hurt me. Yes, they can. Sometimes all I want is my mother. Not the nasty bio-mother, I want the REAL one. As much as I pride myself on keeping my shit together in front of my kids, there was one day when S. asked me to read her a story and I couldn't get through it. It was about a male bird who was the 'mother' to a baby bird. It was called something like 'Boys are mommies, too'. I couldn't get through it, K. I started to cry. I still cry. I want him so much. It might turn out that I am proof of Tony's theory that the child will always win. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI find it somewhat depressing Tony's theory.
ReplyDeleteAnyhows, why cant you have both? does it have to be an either / or relationship?
Good luck with a difficult decision.
Kahless, I went to see the potential new therapist. I like him and have made two more appointments with him, the next being almost two weeks from now. I still cannot give up you-know-who. The little girl... she wants him. She wants him bad. But she also likes the new guy, so we'll see what happens. Yes, there is a deception afoot. I can't help that right now. Maybe I need them both and they just can't know about each other and the new guy can't even know my real name, address or phone number. The little girl now has fantasies of having a male mommy and a male 'nanny'(?) - aside from Terry. I'm not sure what will happen, but I do know that being so dissociative, it is hard for me to keep a deception going without something coming forward to blow the whole thing out of the water. I know you deeply understand the history here and what all has led me to this point, so I wanted to let you know. Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm hoping for the best, but I'm aware that I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I just hope there will be no disastrous crash landing. I've had enough of those.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you went to see him.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just thought go with the flow my friend.
I was going to ask why a he again, then I think I answered my own question in my head.