Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wondering
Maybe this is as good as it gets and I just won't be able to ever go back to sleeping at night. I suppose it could be worse, because at least I don't have insomnia. I wouldn't call it that. I have plenty of ability to sleep, just not during normal hours. I was thinking how if I had some kind of real job that took place at night, then I would be less abnormal. I wouldn't feel so dysfunctional and have to make up all kinds of bullshit excuses for why I can't do things before a certain hour of the day (when I'm sleeping). I could just say that I work at night. That's normal, right? Besides, it doesn't take me so long to finish up routine things in the house at night like it used to. I'm a lot better now, so that stuff doesn't keep me so busy. That is a kind of improvement. I still get freaked out at night, but it's mostly when I start thinking about how I might try to change things to make myself go to bed early. And if I had a real job to do at night, then maybe I would be less upset during that time. Then I wouldn't be awake because I'm afraid, I would be awake because I'm working. Get it? Maybe it's just better not to think about why I am awake and I should just come up with a more legitimate reason for it. Not that the way I feel at night isn't legitimate, but I guess maybe it's time to give up the fantasy that it might change someday. It's been like this for more than three years now. I just have no idea what I could do for a job at night that would not involve leaving the house. Having to interact with people in a work setting would just be too much. There must be something. I'm tired of sitting around hoping to be better some day. This might be all the better it gets and I don't want to waste my life sitting around hoping for things when there isn't anything more that I can reasonably do to change the situation.
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In Connecticut we have Infoline (211) that operates 24 hrs a day and people do it from home. I think the calls are forwarded. Sometimes teenagers call and prank but hey the person gets paud an hourly wage anyway. Maybe y'all have something similar? I'm nit trying to fix your distres, oh maybe a little! GL with the sleep thing, maybe we could star a midnighters group online? Peace to you all.
ReplyDeleteTyler
This is exactly the kind of thing I am wondering about. There must be some kind of job I can do on the phone or online at night. Thanks, Tyler. It's nice to hear of a possibility. The only thing I came up with was tech support, but my skills are probably not good enough for that.
ReplyDeleteOur crisis hotline pays people to work at night, and they work from home I think. There must be computer jobs you can do at night - data entry, etc. I think it's a great idea.
ReplyDeleteI wondered about data entry, too, Harriet. (Answering a crisis line might be too hard for me.) I started googling some things online for work-from-home stuff and it looks like I will have to be careful of scams. I will look some more, though. I bet there is something out there for me. The nice thing about the internet is that I can google to get more info about whatever I find because people will write about it to warn others if they get scammed. I think that's pretty nice.
ReplyDeleteI would deeply appreciate any and all suggestions from anyone who reads this post. I really want to make a change and feel more productive again. It seems like a night job from home would be a way to get that without causing a terrible disturbance inside.
I think if it bothers you, you should take steps to try to change it.
ReplyDeleteThree years is a long time and you are so used to it now that it's hard to shift things.
But things can change. I assume you've tried not sleeping for a day or so and then trying to change the schedule to night sleeping? And melatonin? And you are against sleep aids?
paul
Hope you can find a job from home.
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