Not Good

I spoke with the grandfather this morning. He is in the hospital because he had pneumonia. By all accounts he is pretty much well. He should be going home soon, but the grandmother needs some kind of help to take care of him. They are both very old. The grandfather has dementia. Even so, he always knows who I am when I call him, but not today. Today he is overdrugged. His speech was slurred, he didn't know anyone, and it was very obvious that he was having trouble comprehending things and putting basic thoughts together. This from a man who joked about walking home from the hospital "in my bare ass" if the staff didn't give him back his pants and send him home soon. I know what's going on here. This is not right. I had to call the mother so she can do something. I had to call the mother.

The father is dead, the 'father replacement' (his brother) is dead, the grandfather is very old and unwell, the grandmother is very old, stressed and suffering, and I can't deal with the mother unless it is an emergency. I feel alone and scared. My family... they're gone. I feel very scared. I'm afraid to sleep. I need something from somewhere. I need to feel safe, but there is no one left. It's just me and I'm scared. I feel so naked and alone. Like something is going to drop right out of the sky and crush me to death at any moment.

(The grandfather was not perfect, but he saved my tricycle. He saved it for thirty something years. He sanded it, painted it and gave it to my little niece when her life was falling apart. I want him to be okay. I don't feel good. This shit ain't right. None of it is right.)