Wednesday is therapy. I feel ambivalent. There is a stirring here that I recognize now. It is the mistrust of letting anyone into what the real issue is right now. I know what it is, I just don't want to think about it lest I drive my car off the bluff. Granted, I might feel more comfortable thinking about it if I could share it and feel assured that things would go well (that I wouldn't hear about letting go, storage containers, relaxation, the present moment, meditation or any other such stupid and asinine bullshit in lieu of something real). And the truth is, I can probably handle it better by myself than I could if I took a risk like that and then had the misfortune of having it blow up in my face. Oh, yes. I've been here before. And now I know why Rambo takes off on his own and says terrible things to the therapist. He does it because I don't listen to the stirring of mistrust and tread carefully in its wake. He does it because he would rather I be disconnected from the therapist and thought of as an asshole than be invalidated by 'therapy speak'. I'm listening this time. I'm listening and I consciously choose to keep the real deal to myself and not share it with the therapist. The issues in question are real, very important to me and deeply personal. I'm not going to play Russian Roulette this time. If fluff could solve these issues, then I would write a fucking poem and then sing Kumbaya, you know?
The way I see it, that leaves me with two choices for this appointment. I can... 1. Talk about the weather, how much I hate cleaning the kitchen, or some shit like that just to get through the time, or I can... 2. Think of some parallel, less important situation and present that as the problem to see if anything helpful develops. Personally, I would rather cancel, but that could create problems inside, so I don't know. I'm thinking #1. Frankly, if I had realized this within the cancellation period, then maybe I would have cancelled anyway. I don't know, really. I only know that I am not going to put my head on the chopping block here. I might be a little crazy, but I am most certainly not stupid. I eventually catch on. That's right, I said *I*. 'Cause I'm running this circus now. Yes, it's ME. I'm still here - large and in charge. Just the way I like it. It's the way that keeps people from stabbing us in the back and then me having to look like a crazy person in the fallout. Nope - that party's over. It ain't happening.
I think I've decided on #1. So, what should the neurotic problem be? How about an imaginary one so as to not lead myself into the realm of the OCD? Hmmm... compulsive nail biting, perhaps? Or maybe I have developed a sudden dislike of dryer lint? Please leave your own idea in the comments (and sorry, honesty is off the table for a freakin' change).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
How about saying you are thinking about getting a pet. Then you talk about pros, cons, reptiles versus felines versus caninies or gerbils . Then there is the whole discussion of organic gardening or what the hell are the rules at the express checkout. Like 12 items or less, does that mnean individual items or do groups count as one when there is a sale. Like if they have butter 3 for 5 dollars. Does that count as three one one if you buy the three. Oh and how come the line nazis never say anytnhing to people who clearly have more than 12. I mean come on, if your total bill is 400 you obiviuosly have more than 12 as if the damn rules don't apply becausze they aint using coupons. I despide people who blatantly ignore the damn check out rules. Then again maybe he will leave the room and let you grab a quick snooze, I mean it is YOUR time!
ReplyDeleteTyler
Yet at the same time, you're paying for your therapy... So don't you want to feel like you are getting something for your money?
ReplyDeleteTyler, you sound like Jerry Seinfeld!
ReplyDeleteRach, believe it or not, this method will definitely give me something for my money. It'll give me a little peace and quiet. The little girl will be happy because she will get to hear the voice of her beloved therapist, the protector will be happy because the therapist is out of the loop, and I will be happy because I can't get shoved down a rabbit hole. That's a lot of happiness.
Girirrlll, you know I'm black right? Or is it stii Afro-American? Honestly, I am a MH advocate consultant for a non profit mental health advocacy organization and I get so confused over what the correct adjective is these days. I believe I might have even called someone oriental. Being from Texas and there no longer we had Mexicans, in New England when I came here 17 years ago they were Latino. Or just what the hell do we call our crazy selves? mental Health consumer, patient, client. Speaking of Jerry Serinfiled have you checked ot curb your enthusiasm? I am so sorry about the typos! My consulting job and that SSDI have allowed me to purchase a laptop and well the keyboard is small. Oh yeah,by the way, we are just human.
ReplyDeletepeace to you
Tyler
Those conversation ideas are actually taken from my sessions with a former therp. Hence former
I hope it went well today. Can't wait to hear what you talked about!
ReplyDeleteHi, Tyler. Yes, I know you are black. And I think that might be why it gave me a chuckle when your comment reminded me of Seinfeld. I never know what to call us, either. Maybe just survivors. Black ones, white ones, and ones in between. I don't know. Something like that.
ReplyDeleteI guess it went okay, Harriet. I stuck to surface stuff, but he noticed that things were different. The new post will explain what happened next.
I wish I could be with you right now...just to sit, talk, drink, whatever!!! Sometimes I get so lonely at night when I'm by myself and the shit is falling all around me - and there's NO ONE to help. NO ONE! Do you feel that way too?
ReplyDeleteI have actually been so pissed off and in an evil staring contest w/DT...(it was during on of those, "what do you need" moments -like, you're not going to "MEET MY NEEDS so why fucking ask???) Anyway, I just got up, told her there was nothing else to say - and walked out. Of courese I had to pay for the entire session - just like the one I just didn't feel like showing up for - and it was less than 24 hours.
And sometimes I sit and talk about stupid shit because i'm pissed off and untrusting and won't tell her anything meaningful.
I get it...I understand and I do the same things....
I bite my nails quite compulsively so if you used that one, maybe you can pass on the wisdom...!
ReplyDeleteI used to talk trivia things as a distraction at times with T.
Oh, I love your writing btw. I loved the reference to Kumbaya...