Emotional shut-downs control anxiety.

First I was scared for my daughter when she didn't feel well, now something is wrong with my husband. Probably an ulcer. I don't know. My therapist is going on vacation, money has leaked through my hands like water this month, and I keep having bad dreams related to my own old personal garbage. I still need to buy school supplies, there are the school orientations and I have to pay the tuition. I still haven't done anything about visiting my son. And I really hope nothing is seriously wrong with my husband. I hate it that I always get scared by cooking up terrible scenarios. I wish I didn't do that, but I don't know how to make it stop. I guess I am just on overload because I haven't felt that scared tonight. I haven't felt much of anything. Everything that has been going on is only on an intellectual level and I don't feel anything. I haven't even been sending fraidy cat emails to the therapist.

Who wants to hear the most bizarre of my thoughts? Anyone? Okay... I feel like my family will be sickly now because I have stolen their dirt. I cleaned A LOT. It rearranged the energy in the house and it took away the comfort of their dirt. I feel that things happened this way because I stole their health by trying to enhance my own wellness by cleaning and clearing our space. I should have been able to find a way to function in the mess to spare them. My husband even admitted something to me the other day. It was said with the caveat of "don't take this the wrong way, but..." But he feels better when I am an anxious mess. Because if I am anxious, then he feels like he has to be the strong one. I guess I am the only one who wonders why we can't both be strong. I may have my problems, but I am not one of those people who goes around feeling like there is not enough abundance to go around to everyone. The problem with abundance is not that it is limited, it is that some people have difficulty grabbing some for themselves for a variety of possible reasons. I am a grabber. I grab whatever wellness/ abundance I can get my hands on whenever I feel good enough to grab it. My husband... maybe he can't grab any unless I go without. The trouble with that is, I love my husband, but I have no intention of going without. Still, as I type this, I am well on my way to knocking myself out with beer and pills because I have to go to sleep. I feel the need to wake up earlier to deal with any disasters that my children or husband may encounter. May the fucking force be with me.