Wednesday morning's email to the therapist. And now I'm going to bed.

I tried everything. I still resorted to the same tactics to get sleepy enough and disconnected from my body enough to go to sleep. I even upped the ante yesterday morning with self injury in an effort to limit the drinks. How can I possibly still notice other parts of my body when there is skin missing from my left ankle, right? I still noticed. I thought of upping the ante some more by burning, too, but I decided that would be unwise and not productive.

In case I forget or deem it unimportant, and as much as I hate to be your Rubic's cube -- It's not about rountines, habits or sleep hygiene for me. It's about the fear of sleep and dreams. It's also about the dreams assaulting my body in ways that ramp up the hypochondria. I need my body to be gone in order to sleep. Unfortunately, I notice my body more when it's time to sleep, and I can't seem to fix that without getting really sloshed. If we can work on that, then the sleep situation might improve. (Yeah, I know, common sense says at least get a check up to rule out disease and see if that helps, but doctors make me truly suicidal, so I don't see that helping unless it's permanent sleep I'm after.)

p.s. I never had the patience for the Rubic. I solved it by taking the stickers off and putting them back on for the win. I DBTed the cube. That won't work here. Actually, it's probably part of the cause. The things that torment me have been mommed, DBTed, and CBTed so far back into my unconscious, that I can't reach them to effect a change. If I die, please make sure everyone knows that previous DBT and CBT were large contributors. I want them listed as a cause of death on the death certificate.