A Breakthrough?

I felt a little guilty about sleeping with that lighter. I felt like I had threatened the little girl with it. I didn't sleep with it Thursday morning. I still slept. I'm now wondering if the lighter was really the reason for Wednesday morning's good sleep. Now I'm thinking I may have slept well because I didn't take a sleeping pill. For almost a week before that I had been taking at least a half of one of those over-the-counter sleeping pills nearly every morning. This started as self-defense after a really nasty nightmare, but now I'm thinking it might have backfired. I remember doing that once before and suspecting that those things increase dream activity and prevent me from reaching the deepest level of sleep. Maybe. Wednesday and Thursday I did not take any and I slept much better.

Then...

Thursday evening I dozed off on the couch for about twenty minutes or so. I started dreaming of the grandparents' house. I was in their living room watching cartoons. I saw my grandfather in his recliner. He looked harmless enough, but I felt uneasy. I thought of the kitchen. I could see it in my mind and the cellar door was open. I was very afraid. And then, very strangely, I realized that I was beyond the reach of my therapist. I knew I was in a different place and time where he knew nothing of me and was totally beyond reach. I was on my own. It felt devastating. I started to panic in my dream. This would be the part where I usually snatch myself from sleep, but can't quite make it and end up trapped in between in a night terror. But that's not what happened. I somehow steeled myself from the inside and I kept my seat. Then the dream switched and I was riding a bus with my sister. (I have absolutely no idea why - but Steve Barnes was driving the bus!) The bus stopped and we got off as if by instinct, but I did not recognize my surroundings at first and I wondered if we had gotten off at the wrong stop. I was worried about that because I had a baby with me (it was my son - he was a baby again!) and I knew I needed to get somewhere to feed him and take care of him. Then I realized that we had gotten off at the right stop after all. I was relieved. I checked on the baby and at first he looked smaller that what I remembered. So I lifted him up and saw that he was really okay. He looked healthy enough and he was smiling. I saw his tiny little arms with baby-chub on them. I saw his little bald head. I was relieved again when he laughed. I woke up laughing. I felt happy. I wonder how this happened.