Tired

The trip to the doctor went well. Mission accomplished. My precious little lovie now has a kick-ass set of knee braces. Did I mention that doctor's office is an hour and a half away from us? Yeah. I don't like to drive that far alone, so the husband drove me. We had to pick up the kids early from school and I made food and brought it along so they wouldn't starve in traffic. I didn't get enough sleep. I napped a little after we came home. I haven't had enough sleep all week because I mapped out some out of town busine$$ for the husband which required him to leave the house before the children woke up. Which meant I had to drive them. Which meant I couldn't go to sleep until I did. What would be the sense in just sleeping for a hour or so and then being groggy, right? Ah, well. My ideas and his willingness have allowed us to still have a little bit of growth for his business, even in the midst of such a deep recession. The growth is small, and we have to really work for it, but still... I'm grateful for whatever progress we can make toward the goals that serve our family and help our future financial security.

Last Wednesday night, I was desperate from having given up my bedroom to my daughter who has the injured knee. It was really upending my stability. I made a temporary arrangement in her room that allowed her to escape the peril of the bunkbed. That set off an amazing chain reaction of work here in the house. It's been a busy week on many fronts and I'm tired. It was going mostly okay until last night (morning). I had a little incident of a flash and it brought on some anxiety. I've been coping quite well. Still... I worry. There are some things I don't think I could handle being plunged into, so I'm of a slightly wary mind. Even so, I have been able to still live here in the now (for now :-) without having to ward things off so much. I have even been doing something I haven't been able to do much of for quite some time. I actually have the required concentration and mental freedom to read a novel. Imagine that. It's been a while.

I've been wondering what is at the root of the improvements. I think a lot of it is self-acceptance. A lot of it is honesty and the ability to reject lies about myself, the abuse, and what it all means. And let's not forget the fact of living in a safe family now. That's a big one. And there is also the therapist. He has not vanished from in here the way he used to when he went away. I hope that holds, but I think this has come about because of the communications and developments that came in the weeks before he left. And because he doesn't buy into the lies about abuse and he respects me for my courage and for cherishing those things about myself that were not stolen away from me.

The truth is hard work and should be approached with skill, caution and honest companions, but it seems to me like the only road to real healing. It figures. Somehow I always seem to end up with the hard road. I guess it's a good thing when I can pull off onto the side and smell a flower or two. That alone seems like a miracle. I never thought I would find my way to this place, but here I am. I'm able to appreciate it, too, even though I have no idea whether or not it is lasting or what lies just around the bend. I think I like that.