Filling the Void

Too bad my camera battery was dead, because I enjoyed some fabulous food Friday and I wanted to share. It's charging now, so I will capture some beautiful food this weekend. My favorite from Friday was a salmon steak, tomato and avocado salad, and luscious red strawberries.

I know as I sit here with a low-carb beer, that there is a survivor out there somewhere eating a chocolate cake, polishing off some wine, smoking a joint or perhaps pining for a lover or a god. I'm sure there's even one out there knocking over a pharmacy somewhere (when you get where you're going, say hi to my boy for me, eh?).

Friday was pretty good. Maybe it was too good. The twins were at a friend's house and the husband and I took the little one and went to the grocery. It was all so normal, and so I had one of my little things in which I watched while the nice couple (us) with the cute little girl bought some groceries. I didn't even panic. When we came home I washed the strawberries in defiance of the weird. I got so into what felt like a fake role I was playing, that I got too far away. Then the thought of the therapist popped into my head quite suddenly and... he was a stranger. The idea of him, and even his name seemed foreign and unreal, like they belonged in someone else's life instead of mine. I still didn't panic. I went into my computer and pulled up a photograph of this strange man. I'm still not panicking. I suppose that's a major improvement.

And then I still fed myself in exactly the way I had planned instead of just eating crappy food the way I often have lately. I will do this again tomorrow. I enjoyed nourishing myself with healthy foods again. I deserve that much. And Jenny is totally into it. Still - I like my freakin' beer. This low-carb shit is pretty damn good. I'm rightly impressed and I'm one pound lighter than I was twenty-four hours ago. :-)

There is something much more important here than a few lousy pounds. There is the matter of the things we do to fill the void; the things we do to get fed somehow. (And it is here that I very reluctantly ask that religion not enter into comments - in my way of thinking this is just another vice.) Gods, religion, meditation and other forms of dissociation aside - what fills the void for you? What feeds you?