The Sum of My Smarts

Saturday was better than Friday, but that's not saying much. Even so, Friday was SO bad, that even feeling this much better is a real relief. Even though I feel kind of sad and lonely tonight. I don't know why, but I really am lonely. I have felt a little bit disconnected from blogging and I almost never speak to anyone except for my husband and kids. I'm pretty sure that's a rather unusual way to live. Most of the time I like it this way, but sometimes not. I think I am like this because I feel that no one will understand the real me. I don't have friends anymore. Wouldn't know what to do with one at this point. Except for my husband, I really haven't met with a lot of understanding in real life unless I am being fake. It just makes me tired to see people relate so readily to my fakery, yet watch their eyes glaze over if I reveal a bit of myself. I don't feel like making the effort to be fake anymore. There is nothing in it for me, it's only to fit in and make other people feel better. Maybe I am tired of my existence being about making other people feel better at the expense of being able to just be who I am.

Who I am is a difficult enough concept to explain anyway, even in here. Hell, it's hard even in here (inside self). But I think it is a bit easier when I am not scattered all over the place like I have been for the last couple of weeks. Something happened on Friday night that I have not blogged about. I have only spoken about it to my therapist. Let's just say... I got a little triggered a while back and it caused something inside to break loose and go off on its own. I had to go corral it and get it back in here before it destroyed my connection to the outside world. If I hadn't been able to do that, then I most certainly would have ended up even more isolated than I already am. Isolate to protect, right? Fine, so long as I am not isolated half to death. You know how some people claim to have a guardian angel? Well, I have... Rambo? And he's been in the driver's seat. I had to get my car back before it (and my brain) got totalled, you know?

And I'm just guessing that I am not readily understandable in that which I have come here to convey. *sigh* C'est la vie.