Today (Fri.) has been very shitty. There has been a terrible battle going on inside whenever I've been able to shake off the worst of the depression. It got REALLY BAD today. I had to retreat to the bedroom and get my husband to come stay in the there with me for a while because I was afraid to be alone. I was having a lot of anxiety. He brought his dinner in there with him. I was laid up in bed, and he sat in my desk chair and rolled it over to the foot of the bed and he ate. It was the terrible smacking sounds that finished me off. I got upset with him for the disgusting noises just as a plane flew over the house (another trigger). Even though he had stopped chewing, the sickening effects of having heard it were still with me and I started to cry. My hands went up over my ears and the shit hit the fan. There was the closet. And the therapist. Yeah. One side of the battle in my head put down its weapons. I have an appointment tomorrow.
I watched a movie with the husband and kids tonight. I think it was called 'Eagle Eye'. It was good. My attention was off just a little. It was hard to settle into because Billy Bob Thornton looked like my grandfather in that one. And tonight I can't let my mind dig too far into why that would upset me. Right now I only know that I haven't been feeling at all well and I need to find a way to get some peace. The weather has turned cold again. I just want to be warm and feel okay inside.
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Billy Bob Thornton is a disturbing dude. Least I think so. And I don't particularly know why.
ReplyDeleteI always hated the way my father SLURPS his soup. Not little slurps, big gulping elongated slurps. It makes me cringe!
I hope you start feeling better. I still get irritable sometimes where every sound bothers me. But not as bad as in the days Before Lithium. I traded intensity for not being intolerably irritable, I guess. I do miss the intensity sometimes. But the irritability I could do without to the end of time!
Yes, Billy Bob is a bit disturbing. It's rare for me to feel like I am irritated by just any sound, it can happen though if I get really tweaked, but this was something different. The disgusting chomping and smacking sounds are very specific and deeply disturbing for reasons I can't really write. I just could not handle it. Not at all. I really freak out sometimes when men make disgusting noises of ANY kind with their mouths. It makes me sick. Sick and crazy.
ReplyDeletefunny we also hated hearing our ex eat what is it with that?
ReplyDeleteFor me it's because the noises sound sexual. It's truly disgusting. It makes me want to scream. Or vomit.
ReplyDeleteHope your appointment went / goes well.
ReplyDeleteBilly Bob Thornton and slurpy/smacking eaters -- ugh. That would be enough to set me over the edge.
ReplyDeleteThank you, K. It did go well.
ReplyDeleteHi, Enola. Yeah. What a creepy combo, eh?
I'm so glad the appointment was good. I can't stand mouth sounds either.
ReplyDelete-else
Thanks, Else. I'm glad it was good, too. And those kinds of mouth sounds disgust me so much, I'd honestly rather hear farting or some other nasty thing.
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