If you've been reading the last couple of days, you know that I realized clearly some relationship difficulties with my husband. In short, I told him I'm not going to be his mother anymore, starting with refusing to keep up with his weight problem as if it were my own responsibility. We have been very sick with a severe cold this weekend. He was so sick, he slept most of Saturday. He woke up Saturday night to eat and take some medicine. While he was up, he made a decision that he probably would not have made before. He decided that he is too sick to work Sunday. He tried to get me to decide, but I artfully avoided having a clear opinion. At least not out loud. My opinion is that he is sicker than a dog and would probably get worse if he tried to work like that, but I told him he had to decide based on how he felt and what he thought was best. Normally, he wouldn't have to decide because if he was so sick I would have just told him he should stay home. If he refused I would freak out until he went back to bed.
He made another decision, too. Sunday is his biggest day for good profits. His band is playing next Friday and Saturday nights. He gets up before dawn on Sundays, so if he plays Saturday night, he is exhausted the next day. Can you imagine how he would feel next Sunday if he played and sang lead all night Friday and Saturday and then worked all day Sunday on just a few hours of sleep after being so horribly ill? He would have been a wreck. All so he could play. Guess what he did without me saying a single word? He called in a back-up to play and sing for him for next Saturday night! He said he thinks he will be well in time to play Friday night, but he didn't want to play both nights because he didn't want to risk sickness or exhaustion interfering with his ability to rake in the cash on Sunday! I didn't even bring this up. He did it on his own and he didn't even wait until the last minute!
Holy crap! He CAN be a grown-up! I guess he will have no choice now since I left him no doubt at all that I will be his wife, but I will not be his mother. Maybe he's finally getting it that I mean it! And to think I was excited a couple of months back when he started emptying his pockets before putting his pants in the hamper. I guess he got tired of having to wash all of his clothes all by himself and then wash them all again because of Kleenex. This is WAAAAAY bigger than the laundry issue was. This is huge.
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I hope he'll stick with it and that things will improve for you, especially health-wise.
ReplyDeleteWe have a less than stellar relationship too, and it so happens that we both come from extremely toxic families. There was an unspoken decision made at some point, that we would accept each other as is, warts and all...just as long as there is some respect and a willingness to put our son first.
I suspect this is what made it possible for us to remain together long past our due date.
hooray! i hope this pattern continues for you. :)
ReplyDeleteGood.
ReplyDeleteYeah! That is progress. I hope it continues.
ReplyDeleteWonderful! So glad he's able to try and be the husband you need.
ReplyDelete-else
Good one, Lynn, for telling him he needs to take care of himself. Maybe he will keep improving in this department.
ReplyDeleteI wish my husband could get this figured out. He is always trying to get me to make his decisions for him. I won't do it, but he still tries. Makes me nuts. I don't have enough energy to deal with my own stuff, let alond his.
Wow, you are making huge strides with your guy! Good for you for holding your ground and good for him for stepping up. I have heard that marriages get much better many times when the wife stops being the mother also.
ReplyDeleteHope it works out wonderfully for you.
Hugs,
Tamara
Hi, Amanda. No relationship is perfect. I think it's love and the willingness and ability to straighten out some of the quirks that makes it work.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cornnut.
:-)
{{{{{Kahless}}}}}
I hope so, too, Enola.
It was a welcome happening, Else.
RR, "I don't have enough energy to deal with my own stuff, let alond his." Amen, honey.
Hi, Tamara. Well... to be very honest I have discovered my own little hidden benefit in being his mother. Sex ceases to exist and is then a nonissue. What a tangled web we weave, eh? From mother to wife is something I guess I cannot do. So what is he then? I'm thinking he is partner with possible occassional sex? I hate the word 'wife'. It's icky.