I don't know if this will help because sometimes when I am in the place that you are, which has been too many to count, I want to push everyone away especially my therapist.
I read your last entry and I really understand your anger and frustration. Even after 17 years of therapy and knowing my therapist for 22 years, I still have the same type of reactions. The way that you describe that you were notified, in itself, would have been enough for me to terminate and then take it back. I'm better now.
However, I still have an extremely difficult time when my therapist even takes a weekend trip, let alone a real vacation.
I get angry at him for leaving, feel abandoned, like he is not coming back, like he is purposefully trying to hurt me, angry at myself for getting attached, wanting to push him away and terminate, etc... I am much better now. But, I still get distressed when he leaves or things are left seemingly open ended.
The worst is that I feel like I don't exist and am not grounded. Then, I make him not exist; therefore, I do not need him and may terminate, cancel or whatever. It is like he cannot exist in my head while on vacation. I have difficulty with object constancy. I also, used to make him "pay" for leaving. But, this last time, I did not make myself or him pay and was able to pick up where we left off. It was very difficult while he was gone.
There are many reasons for the way I react and we have explored them quite a bit and I am better, but "allowing" him or I to exist is difficult still. I hope this helps. If not just delete it. I understand if you want to push me away because that is what I would want to do depending on where I was in this process. Your reaction is "normal" for someone in your circumstances and I understand.
Thank you, Kahless. I did not sleep well. I had flashbacks and nightmares and woke up screaming with body memories of a sodomy in my grandmother's living room. Then my mother came over (in real life, not in a dream or flashback). I ended up having to take an axiety pill and you know how I hate doing that.
Hi, Clueless. Thank you for your comment. In my case, I do not want my therapist to pay. I care about him and want him to do what he needs to do to care for himself properly. My only goal is to protect myself and I will not put another ahead of me unless it is one of my children. I am done chastising myself for my normal reactions to the bad behavior of others, too. He screwed up and was extremely inconsiderate in how he chose to handle this added development. If he has been paying any attention at all, then he knows what the issues are here and he could have said something about the retreat at the beginning of the appointment so we could have worked out some way to navigate this whole thing with him leading the way if I became unable. What he did was rude and inconsiderate and does not make me feel cared about or even respected. And I am not one of those people who can be convinced that I'm wrong just because I'm the 'sick' one, either. Sometimes I'm still right and this is one of those times. I got a return email from him today, and he seems to understand it this way as well. I'm not sure what I will do. I guess there are some things I need to consider because I have to do the very best job I can of respecting myself and my needs for healing. I absolutely deserve that and I want to give myself the best chance at better emotional and mental health.
I hope you sleep well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will help because sometimes when I am in the place that you are, which has been too many to count, I want to push everyone away especially my therapist.
ReplyDeleteI read your last entry and I really understand your anger and frustration. Even after 17 years of therapy and knowing my therapist for 22 years, I still have the same type of reactions. The way that you describe that you were notified, in itself, would have been enough for me to terminate and then take it back. I'm better now.
However, I still have an extremely difficult time when my therapist even takes a weekend trip, let alone a real vacation.
I get angry at him for leaving, feel abandoned, like he is not coming back, like he is purposefully trying to hurt me, angry at myself for getting attached, wanting to push him away and terminate, etc... I am much better now. But, I still get distressed when he leaves or things are left seemingly open ended.
The worst is that I feel like I don't exist and am not grounded. Then, I make him not exist; therefore, I do not need him and may terminate, cancel or whatever. It is like he cannot exist in my head while on vacation. I have difficulty with object constancy. I also, used to make him "pay" for leaving. But, this last time, I did not make myself or him pay and was able to pick up where we left off. It was very difficult while he was gone.
There are many reasons for the way I react and we have explored them quite a bit and I am better, but "allowing" him or I to exist is difficult still. I hope this helps. If not just delete it. I understand if you want to push me away because that is what I would want to do depending on where I was in this process. Your reaction is "normal" for someone in your circumstances and I understand.
Take care,
CC
Hang in there it gets better!! When I am in that state, I "go away" or get "foggy" and nothing makes sense.
ReplyDeleteCC
Thank you, Kahless. I did not sleep well. I had flashbacks and nightmares and woke up screaming with body memories of a sodomy in my grandmother's living room. Then my mother came over (in real life, not in a dream or flashback). I ended up having to take an axiety pill and you know how I hate doing that.
ReplyDeleteHi, Clueless. Thank you for your comment. In my case, I do not want my therapist to pay. I care about him and want him to do what he needs to do to care for himself properly. My only goal is to protect myself and I will not put another ahead of me unless it is one of my children. I am done chastising myself for my normal reactions to the bad behavior of others, too. He screwed up and was extremely inconsiderate in how he chose to handle this added development. If he has been paying any attention at all, then he knows what the issues are here and he could have said something about the retreat at the beginning of the appointment so we could have worked out some way to navigate this whole thing with him leading the way if I became unable. What he did was rude and inconsiderate and does not make me feel cared about or even respected. And I am not one of those people who can be convinced that I'm wrong just because I'm the 'sick' one, either. Sometimes I'm still right and this is one of those times. I got a return email from him today, and he seems to understand it this way as well. I'm not sure what I will do. I guess there are some things I need to consider because I have to do the very best job I can of respecting myself and my needs for healing. I absolutely deserve that and I want to give myself the best chance at better emotional and mental health.
I'm sorry this happened.
ReplyDeleteDo your best to stay well.
-else
Thank you, Else. I'm doing fairly well considering the circumstances.
ReplyDelete