From the last post about good things that happened in 2008...
It's officially safe to love this man again. I spoke with him after a recent meltdown. I said something about how I was recovering from it, and I heard from The Teenage Girl. She said (to him) "...and you didn't leave me."
...And this is where I tell the inner doom-sayer to be quiet. It's saying ugly things like, "Don't get too happy. Something bad could happen.
Officially safe to love him. Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa. Not.
When we *made up* emotionally (as opposed to just intellectually), I asked him to tell me when was the next time he was going on vacation. He said he would be out of town Jan. 21 and 28, but we could still have our appointments on the phone if I wanted to. I said I didn't yet know what we should do, but my main goal was to keep a connection with him whether it be by still having the appointments on the phone, or by not allowing him to be erased from my inside while he was gone. Preferably the last one, but if I felt I could not manage that, then I would choose the first one. I seem to have flung the door wide for the old disappearing therapist act instead.
I got a surprise Wednesday. I don't like surprises. AT ALL. At the end of our appointment, he told me that he was leaving to go away for a retreat and would not be back until the 12th. Wha? Gone? Just like that? Not to return for nearly two weeks? Even though we haven't really settled what to do about him being away on the 21st and the 28th? SURPRISE!!! Well... I sorted of zoned out. I just froze up. It was overload. I remember he said something about scheduling for the 12th and the 14th and then still talking while he was away later in the month. He asked me if I needed the 12th if we were having the 14th. I guess I mumbled something like I don't know or something like that. I know he said we would schedule for the 14th and I can let him know for the 12th. Well... I sort of emailed him after that and cancelled everything until February.
He either exists or he doesn't. I can't deal with this kind of crap. It causes trouble when he doesn't exist, but it causes a more painful kind of trouble when he semi-exists. I can't even begin to explain what happens when he semi-exists. It turns my own mind into a battleground. He will blink from existence and then he will pop back in. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. SURPRISE!!!!
I FUCKING HATE SURPRISES. I would rather just let him disappear and just be gone even if that takes me all over the map.
I have a feeling this is one of those posts that no one is going to understand. That's okay. Just don't mention him until February, okay? Don't mention him unless you see extremely crazy and distraught shit in here. Shit that seems like it might be more distressing than a SURPRISE reappearance of the therapist in my brain at a time when I cannot or will not have him. I'm not kidding around when I say that he may not exist at all for the majority of the time he is away. If you, internet, would be so kind... if February is getting close, and I am lost and not realizing why, then please, please go ahead and tell me. You have to be blunt or it will go right over my head. Maybe something like - "I wonder if things are really bad for you right now because deep down inside you want your therapist." Maybe you could even tell me that I said it might happen. Otherwise I'll think things like, "Huh?" and "Huh?"
You know what? I fucking hate this shit. Maybe I don't need therapy at all.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I do understand what you mean about something semi-existing. It's sort of like I'd prefer to never know about something than to have it and then have it ripped away from me, I think. Also that it's hard when you can't depend on people.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would prefer never knowing to having something ripped away. I think that's why people disappear. And it is hard not to be able to depend on someone. I thought I was really getting somewhere with the vacation issue by knowing about the 21st and the 28th ahead of time. That would have still left us the majority of the month to talk about it. I wanted to find a way for him to not disappear anymore. It's very painful and upsetting. And just when I got up the nerve to ask him for twice a week sometimes. When I spoke with him, I was hoping to be able to make an appointment for Friday, too. I made it through the holidays, but they're not really over for reasons I don't want to blog right now. I needed him to help me make it to Monday.
ReplyDeleteSURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That'll fucking teach me, eh?
I do understand.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry.
This very thing epitomes why I think relationships with people in general suck.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Yes, K. Relationships can indeed suck.
ReplyDeleteI too understand semi-existing. It is so much easier for someone not to exist than to pop up in and out. Then disappear. It hurts worse.
ReplyDeleteHi, Enola. I see you understand. The disappearance is so painful.
ReplyDelete