Honesty

Lawyerchik was nice enough to give me an honesty award.

Now I am supposed to list ten honest things about myself before passing it on to anyone else.

1. When I saw that Lawyerchik had tagged me, I felt the irony. Though my last blog was very open and honest, perhaps too much so, this one has been a little bit different. At least that is how it feels to me. This was not my intention, but it is what seems to be happening. This will be my attempt to get back in touch with the stark honesty that was mine for a time at the old place. I had never, EVER been in touch with that before blogging.

2. I used to take 'fake vacations' to escape a hyper boss who seemed to want to work me until I collapsed. She also liked to pester the living daylights out of me. I needed to escape, but couldn't really afford a vacation, so I used to 'pretend' when my son was with his father. I would tell my boss that I was leaving town, then I would hide my car in case she drove by. I would spend the time with all the shades drawn, not making noise, not leaving the apartment, etc. I didn't want my cover to be blown. Nope. I was too busy reading in the bathtub, baking goodies, getting extra sleep, drinking tea and champagne, and just generally escaping her very busy clutches.

3. I am terrified of looking bad. Not of being older, just of looking old. It scares me. I spend stupid amounts of money trying to preserve what I have. Then, when I fall down a rabbit hole and don't take care of myself right for several days, I get even more scared. I'm very afraid that no one will love me if I am not pretty.

4. I am equally terrified of doctors. When I went for a long procrastinated checkup at the gyno this past spring, the doctor found a lump in my breast (it was benign). I dissociated in his office. When I got home, I knew that I was supposed to go have a mammogram, but I didn't know why. I decided I didn't want to, and then I went to bed. That is when the dissociated material came back and I knew he had told me that there was a lump. I had a really bad panic attack and woke up my husband and told him so he could make the appointment in case the information was no longer available to me when I woke up from sleeping. The entire ordeal was more than I could handle. I don't think I can bring myself to do the whole doctor thing anymore. I guess if I get some horrendous disease, then... I will end things my own way. Here's to hoping I stay healthy.

5. I once fell down a rabbit hole (lost my marbles) while trading grain futures on margin. It was ugly. You want to talk rude awakenings? I 'woke up' to a big fat margin call. I didn't understand what had happened to me and I felt like a complete failure. I don't trade on margin anymore.

6. I used to have a literary agent. He was kind of a crook, but I didn't know any better at the time. I fired him. Though I was beginning to suspect that he was probably a dud, I know now that I really fired him in case he wasn't. I thought I was afraid of not getting published. I think I was more afraid that I would get published.

7. My mother once boffed my boyfriend. I walked in on it and saw it with my own eyes. It was gross. I felt betrayed by him, but mostly I just felt alone. Very, very alone. I don't remember having any feelings toward my mother for her half of that nastiness. I guess I hadn't felt much of anything for her for a really long time before that even happened. I used to struggle to find any memories of her behaving in a motherly way toward me. There wasn't much to find. I guess I just quit looking. Wanna hear the sickest part of the whole thing? I actually ended up having sex with him after that. I did it because I was afraid all the time and I felt like I needed him to take care of me. I knew the price of needing someone to care for me. I've always known.

8. I don't like to blog about Jenny, because the whole thing sounds too strange. I will make an exception for this post since the theme is honesty. Since Jenny has been coming around, I am a little bit more connected to my body sometimes. I know what hunger feels like now. I don't think I like it. Now I know I must be careful and I weigh myself more often. Just in case.

9. I used to sing. Choirs, karaoke, parties. I was once offered a job in Vegas. I'm glad I had the sense to turn it down. Someone like me would have found nothing but a world of hurt in a place like that. I used to be a karaoke junkie, most especially. I had a 'thing' going with Patsy Cline. Everyone used to tell me that I sounded just like her and that my voice was very well suited to country music. I don't like country music. I used to sing it anyway because people would pester me to do it. The last time I sang, it was Patsy by request. The man who requested it started crying while I was singing. It made me want to throw myself off the roof. I wasn't good at dealing with emotions back then. Sometimes I'm still not good at it.

10. While I am being so honest, do you want to know the main factor that motivated me to do this post? It was procrastination. I did it to have a reason to stay awake longer. I still dread going to bed. I'm afraid it will never get better.