The annual feelings of being trapped are beginning to rise toward a peak again. Historically, this is the time of year I would be spending a lot of late nights researching cities to which we may want to relocate, haunting realtor.com looking at homes, and checking out high schools and colleges in various locations with an eye toward possibilities for my children's futures. It's also when I would go on a 'junk finding mission'. Moving is easier when you ditch all your junk first, right? It's also easier to leave a house if there are no unfinished projects or procrastinated updates/ repairs, too. These are the things that I have generally liked to do during holidays. Why? Because my family of origin lives here in town. They still call around holidays because they don't understand, and also because as nasty as I feel toward them at times, I don't get overtly cruel. I will launch off on my mother if she starts her shit, but I basically just want peace and have no real-life desires to cause suffering to anyone. What I really want is to be left in peace, but that can be much trickier than it sounds.

My mother called today. I looked at the caller ID, so I didn't pick up. I didn't ignore her out of spite, I ignored her to honor my own feelings and my need to not have to speak to her. I listened to the voice mail and she wants to know what my children want for Christmas. I'm not calling her back. I don't think I'm even going to mention to the husband that she called. He would probably call her back. You know... because it's Christmas. Yes, he would do that. I know because my sister called here last week and invited us for Christmas Eve. She called early, so I was still sleeping. That's okay. My husband accepted her invitation without consulting me. You know... because it's Christmas. News Flash - It Ain't Christmas. The date today is December 13, 2008.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have anything against my sister. I love my sister. The problem is that she is still in fairly thick with the family. They come and go at her house. I don't feel comfortable there. If I felt more energetic, I might be able to get myself together and invite her and her husband and children over here, but if I did that, the pressure would be on. I would feel obligated to do extra cleaning - upholstery, carpets, windows - things I don't feel up to committing to right now. (I can hear my grandmother's voice right now saying that those things are not important. She would say anything to keep the family together and then talk about how 'sad' it is that I have juice spots on my couch on Christmas.) Frankly, I don't feel the need to put myself out. I don't really want anyone over here. I don't need any passive-aggressive, snide remarks out of my brother-in-law right now, either. Not about anything. And certainly not right here in my own home. And I don't need to be with people who might broach any topic that would solicit an honest and unpopular opinion from me. They like to act as if they pity such opinions. I don't like passive-aggressive people. If somebody has something to say to me, I much prefer them to get right up in my face and say it plainly so I can blast them with impunity, you know? I am the only person in my family who does not mince words and they don't know what to make of it. They are (except for my sister) a really manipulative bunch and I just don't have any desire to be around them. Still... there are the children to consider.

I know my kids love their aunt and their cousins, and want to be with them on Christmas Eve. I thought of letting the husband and the kids go while I stay home. I've done that before, but I didn't appreciated the comments that were made about it front of my children. They were very subtle and brief comments, of course (passive-aggressive), but I do not feel that they were appropriate. Do you see how I'm stuck? Sometimes I think we really should move. I think my brother-in-law should have the decency to fake a one-day case of laryngitis on Christmas Eve. Maybe others should shut up and fake it instead of expecting me to. Maybe my mother should decide she doesn't care if she ever speaks to me again. What? It's wrong to 'should' other people's feelings? (This is where I laugh my ass off.) I'm sure I'll figure out what the correct action (or inaction) is, but I am a bit irked with all this stupidity at times.

You want to know the very worst of it all? I am supposedly 'obligated' even though Christmas is meaningless to me, personally. I am not a Christian, I hate Santa Claus, and all my materialistic tendencies are focused on investments and financial management, not for the sake of materialism, but for the purpose of bolstering basic financial security, which it is my responsibility to do. Christmas means nothing to me. It would simply be another day like any other but for the fact that society routinely invades the most personal boundaries of individuals in a forceful and galling manner. It will use families, guilt, and even little children in order to do it, too. It disgusts me and makes my skin crawl.

The one laughable factor is the ridiculous amount of time, energy, and resources people spend 'getting ready' for Christmas. Hmmm... Reminds me of people who spend more than a year and tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding. The stress and unreasonable expectations usually leave a stain on what should be a good day. Then the financially depleated and worn out couple move into a rental when that expense would have made an impressive down payment on a home of their own. Then they set about working sixty or eighty hours a week to someday acquire the means to buy a home. These are the same people who like to tell me that I should 'live in the present'. Ha! Another example of people talking the talk when they don't walk the walk. I live in the present the same way that someone who has an old physical injury does, but with one important difference. When they have present day pain in the limb that was crushed years ago, no one says, "But that was a long time ago. You can't let it ruin your life." What a bunch of hypocrites the world is filled with. As for me, I may be experiencing the pain of an old injury, but today, December 13, 2008, is not being controlled by December 25, 2008. I am very aware that for the majority, most days since October 31, 2008 have been controlled by December 25, 2008.

I can proudly say that I am less 'event driven' than the general populace. Yet... the sheeple love to shame me because I can't ignore the sensations from those old crushed limbs.

Oh, well... Let them ignore reality for two months a year. I already know where it gets them... and sometimes it makes me laugh. I guess it's my turn to be an asshole.
:-)