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There are many layers to Christmas anxiety for me. The one that nags me now is my need for routine and predictability. Routine helps me to be stable and comfortable. The kids have had a nice day. Of course, I like very much to see that. It's a good thing. Now my thoughts are turning to how I can regain some sense of normal. I'm sure the first thing is to stack up all the gift boxes and papers tonight. I made a short and not-too-demanding to-do list to get me up and going in the right direction again. The second thing is to continue writing my current work of fiction.

I didn't write anything last night since it was Christmas Eve. I only got a couple hundred words down the night before because the anxiety was already starting to screw me up. The three nights before that went well considering what has become of my relationship with writing. My 'normal' (before my problems came to a head) for the start of a novel or a creative dry spot was about 800 words in a day. The start of this novel is running at an average of 500 - 600 words a day. That really is not a lot, but it looks pretty good when I compare it to other times I tried to get writing again. And the quality and the actual story... well, let's just say I'm pretty happy with it.

I knew I was finding my place anew with this work. My writing schedule, such that it is, has been a strange one. Those who read here regularly are aware of my sleep problems. I just can't seem to make sleep take place before morning, so I go ahead and make constructive use of the night instead of simply wasting it. I have been writing, not in blocks, but in spurts. I will wash the dishes, then write a little. Wipe up the kitchen, then write a little. Check my list for the next day and brush my teeth, then write a little. It seemed a little odd to me at first, but I guess it's okay. It's what is at the moment, so I guess I'm just going with it.

At first, I thought, "Gee. This can't be good. Maybe I have ADD now or something. Why can't I just sit and write until I'm done for the day? Maybe my brain is in permanent 'blog mode' now; constantly clicking from one place to another." Then I thought, "Actually, this is an improvement of sorts. It wasn't long ago that I could not seem to 'change gears' efficiently enough to move smoothly from one topic to another with real mastery. Now I can." In any event, I'm just going along and doing what it is that I do...

...gather up boxes and take out the trash, then write a little. Wash the dishes and wipe up the kitchen, then write a little. Clean up the kids' bathroom, then write a little...

I hope my connection will still be available to me after such a stressful interruption.