Thank you for replying, (Potential Local Therapist).
I do appreciate it. I understand your ethical predicament in having an anonymous client. I suppose you probably understand my predicament, too. Being completely anonymous and private would be the only way I would feel safe enough to talk to you. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I could pretend, though. I've done it before. I could give you my address, then I would come and see you for a few weeks and talk about the weather, the stock market, and housekeeping duties. I would mention 'anxiety'. Then I would take a bit of advice about relaxation. I would buy some bubble bath and scented candles. I would buy new houseplants. I would think positive thoughts. Then I would come back and report how marvelously it was all working, declare myself to have been 'stressed out' and in need of rest. I would go home and 'rest'. I would even take a five minute bubble bath so as to not lie to you at our next appointment. Then I would be 'cured' and soon stop talking to you. I would even begin to believe it was true. I would be in a good mood for a few days or a week after my 'cure'. Then I would keep shrugging off the nightmares and the insomnia for a little while. I would be sure not to go to bed early, watch television, attempt to have sex with my husband, capture my beloved photographs, or write fiction lest I upset the apple cart. Of course, the 'real' reason for the avoidance would be because I am busy and have so many responsibilities. Then I would have some anxiety attacks, but I would handle them like a real champ. 'Cause that's what I am. Then I would have an unbelievably horrific nightmare and wake up my husband in the middle of the night. I would ask him to go look at the children to make sure they had not been disturbed by their crazy mother's suffering. The anxiety attacks would escalate. The flashbacks would come. I would get little breaks from it all with dissociation, but I would decide that I'm really just an airhead. Until The Big One. The kind of flashback that makes me not fully realize where and when I am. The kind of flashback that makes me hide in the closet. After I recovered a bit from the shock of my rediscovered reality, I would try to fix up my house again. I would start by throwing away the dessicated corpses of the houseplants I bought while I was seeing you. I know exactly what would happen if I gave you my address and came to see you so close to where I live. I know because it has happened over and over and over for twenty-three years. Square One is a very familiar place for me. They keep a light on there especially for me. The mail piles up there sometimes and it gets rather dusty. The decor could really use something, but at least I'm safe there.
It's too bad that my anonymity seemed like it would be acceptable until I told you what the problems have been. I guess when people are horribly abused and damaged beyond repair... then they must be crazy and dangerous. I think I will be sticking with the guy I speak with on the phone in another state. I go through these cycles to some extent even with him. The difference is I don't have to quit therapy out of fear of hospitalization because at least he doesn't assume I'll try to off myself.
In spite of the fact that you cannot help me, I sincerely appreciate that you took the time to explain your reasons. That part was very considerate. May you be well.
Forever Jane Doe
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Most people can't understand this.
ReplyDeleteOnly some of us do.
Finding a good therapist means opening up first.
But for those of us who feel that, the majority of the folks we will ever meet, will just end up hurting us in some way, well, to those of us, this seems like a much to high of risk to take.
(We'd rather grab some of those shiny new 3x ETF's.)
No, sadly, not even most therapists seem to understand this. If there is no safety, there can be no openness, yet the first thing they like to do is let it be known that they will 'protect' people. Assholes.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you think, Amanda. A good ETF can make better so many things. :-)
I dont understand the ethical issues.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the local T needs to know your addy so she can 'save' you if needed. She's got issues?
Sounds like the local T needs to know your addy so she can 'save' you if needed.
ReplyDeleteIt seems you DO understand the 'ethical issue', K. Of course she has issues, but what's one more arsonist in the fire brigade, eh? Also, it pissed me off that she took this stance *after* finding out more about the problems. She might as well have said, "Damn. If that were my life, I'd commit suicide." Talking to a therapist who projects their crap all over the place would just be useless. Someone like that cannot even help themself to clarity, much less anyone else. What a ridiculous waste of time that would have been.
lol!
ReplyDeleteDid you pay her for all of this?
If not costing anything, maybe a jaunt around all the local T's for 'fun'?
Thankfully, I did not. This is the partner of that one therapist I contacted who cannot take new people until January. At her suggestion, I contacted her partner by email when I cleared the anon thing. Then I figured I'd better tell her what the problem is first so I don't waste any time or hope. Then suddenly the anon is not okay anymore. I think all the locals would be the same. I live in a fascist state. Freaks. I'm thinking of moving. The good ole boy/ hillbilly atmosphere is wearing awfully thin. You know... if I ever decide to change therapists again, I could always go with what my first instinct was with this latest. I could LIE. I could give a fake name, an MBE address, and the number to a throw-away phone. I could. But how fucking sad is that?
ReplyDeleteMy therapist is in Washington while I'm in Colorado. She charges less than the locals because she doesn't have to pay for office space. She can call me from her house. She's also one of the few people I've encountered that's willing to address the esoteric stuff in an open minded way. Sometimes I start thinking it's too good to be true, but she's been working with people for 30 years.
ReplyDeleteThat's about how long mine has been working with people, too, Lily. You know, a lot of therapists don't think phone therapy is a good choice, but the majority of therapies have been rather dismal failures for me. I think if we finally find someone we can stay with, then that is a good thing.
ReplyDelete