Good, solid sleep Friday morning. Considering I had the same old problems getting to bed, I guess I was lucky. I had some uncomfortable and odd body problems/ memories after I got to bed. I don't know exactly where they belong, but... they were there. Then, I thought of something from the freak out of 2004. First... remember this? Yes, the camper. Bear with me and you'll see how it's related.

By the fall of 2004 my problems were trying very hard to beat down a door in my brain, but I had no idea what was going on. I simply thought the usual - Lynn's a nutcase. Anyway, I was still involved with my mother back then. And, as usual, I was expected to do whatever she wanted, no matter what condition I was in, in order to have a mother who 'cares'. So, that's how I ended up going with my mother on one of her huge pre-holiday shopping sprees in Nearby City (the shop till you drop kind) while I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Because these sprees of hers will not fit in a car, we went in... her camper. Up until that ride, I was a somewhat contained mental time bomb, confined to shivering and fretting inside, worrying, knowing I was one hair away from losing my mind, needing constant reassurance from my husband that I would be okay, needing sleeping pills and anxiety pills that just weren't cutting it. I just kept trying to dig in my heels mentally and somehow survive. Yes, I even thought I needed my mother, but to have her, I had to do whatever she wanted, so I went with her that day. The dread was terrible, but I really felt like I had no choice back then. Once I got in the camper... I lost control of my thin veil of outward semi-sanity. Telling the details is too disturbing, but I was a shaking, panicking, blubbering, mother-clutching mess. And would you believe she still made me go shopping with her? I belonged in my home with my husband where I was safe and comfortable. I think I had two campers from two different times confused in my mind that day. Yes. That's what I think. Well, I'm the fucking boss now. I shop where, when, and with whom I please. And it's not in any goddamn camper. It's in a fucking car, like a normal person.

I don't know, but I think it might be some kind of progress that I didn't have to send that stuff away and I still had a decent sleep. However, I do remember dreaming of some kind of threat about being locked up in a mental hospital. Yeah, that was basically the threat of the craziest shrink EVER - the mother. Also the threat of some of the shrinks later on. Get too upset? Cry too long? Well, you may need 'help'. Well, FUCK THEM. The joke's on them. All of them. They were not able to stop the truth. As much as they needed to shut up unpleasant truths and their corresponding emotions, I didn't let them and they didn't get what they wanted. And they won't. 'Cause I run this motherfucker now. That's right, I'm the captain of my own ship and I don't give one fuck who likes it.

Guess what I did on my ship today? I made pizza, fettuccine Alfredo, spaghetti, and coconut cream pie. Yeah, I've been a bit bleary eyed today, but I did it. I'm not sure if I'm tired because of the drain of memories, the nuthouse dreams, or from sleeping like a rock for a long time in spite of it all. I was still dragging even after my two cups of coffee. I'm a little better off now. Good deal. I've got some floors to clean and some laundry to do. I want it out of the way because my new laptop came today and I want to be free to take my time setting it all up. Who knows? It might go smoothly and I could even download my camera software. That would be sweet.

:-)