I will answer the last comments very, very soon. Have you guys noticed that I've answered all comments on this new blog? Shocker, eh?
I just did something that I need to tell you guys about. Because... because I'm just not good at most things like this and I guess I sort of need the help of knowing that you all are around and know what's happening. A few weeks ago, when things got bad, I emailed a local therapist to ask a few questions. (When he exists, the current one is still on vacation. And sometimes still on my shit list.) We mailed back and forth a little, and... I negotiated a rather bizarre deal. But I need it to be like that if I talk to anyone in person. Here it is -- I am Jane Doe. She does not get to know my name, phone number, or address, and I pay only with cash. And she can see me when there are no other people around in her offices. All I have to do is sign a release of liability for her should anything unfortunate happen to me from her not having my personal information (also my idea - gotta give to get, you know?).
Anyway, that was a few weeks back. I was in a bad and paranoid space and got cold feet and stopped answering. Her last email was a little rhetorical though, like I would not be offensive if I could not answer. It felt a little open-ended... so I just now responded to it. Can I tell you something kind of scary? I've been so detached, that I had to come in here and tell you guys this, or... run the risk of opening her response, not remember mailing her, and completely FREAK RIGHT THE FUCK OUT on account of the whole thing. So there. You know, I know, and I didn't just do the old brain dump... This probably doesn't make much sense to most of you, but that's the way things get when I am like this and then do some uncharacteristic thing that will be seen later as weak, pathetic, unimportant, stupid, and just plain retarded and a waste of time.
Love,
Jane! :-)
p.s. Please do not mention that other therapist in comments. I don't want to talk about him right now, and seeing a comment that mentions him might startle me. I would hate that a lot.
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You are very resourceful my friend.
ReplyDeleteSmart. and resourceful.
Very clever indeed.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Most emails have a "sent" messages folder. It's great for the times where you dash off an email, hit send too quickly and don't remember what you wrote. Or you get up in the morning and can't remember whether you dreamed writing an email or really did it. I love the sent messages folder!
ReplyDeleteVery clever on the therapist concept. I'd like to find a therapist that works by email or instant messenger. Avoid all that personal contact stuff.
I would like to negotiate a deal like that. I can't stick with therapists. Once they start finding out the depth of my idiosynchracies (sp?) I bolt.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Enola, I love the sent email folder. Many, many times I have not remembered sending something or waken in a panic that I wrote something I shouldn't have. A quick check of the sent email and I am either relieved or doing damage control. Usually relieved, thank goodness!
ReplyDeleteYou do have some great negotiating skills!
Hi, K. I did try. I guess we will see if it will do any good. She might not even answer.
ReplyDeleteThank you, CK. I like to say it's because I'm so smart :-), but I think this is an example where paranoia and desperation just added up to something interesting.
Hi, Enola. Mine automatically go to the sent file. I went in today. Thankfully, I did NOT send a certain thing I had in draft. It's deleted now.
You know, Lily, I guess I can't really blame you for that. Trusting someone is a very risky business. Sad, but true. I don't want to be too discouraging, though. I suppose it could pay off someday (insert cynical eyeroll here).
"Many, many times I have not remembered sending something or waken in a panic that I wrote something I shouldn't have. A quick check of the sent email and I am either relieved or doing damage control."
Tamara, you have no idea how relieving it is to know that someone else lives like this, too!! Unfortunatley, I have had to do damage control more often than I've felt relieved. And my damage control sucks. *sigh* There are some things I'm just not good at. Fortunately (I think), I seem to be all out of energy to communicate anything that could cause an emotion of any kind. I think it's because I don't want to risk anything anymore. Most of the time I just feel very hollow, but I have come to think of it as an improvement.
Totally understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Superla.
ReplyDelete