I haven't been doing well, peoples. And the NyQuil I already drank will probably wear off while I'm typing this, so maybe I'll have another swig when I'm done in here. Tuesday afternoon was a freakshow. 'Nuff said. Tuesday evening I got the reply from the therapist who will take Jane Doe as a client. She can't now until January. She did tell her partner about me though, and she hopes I will email the partner. I told her that I might if I was really in need, but I told her my concerns. And I reminded her about some of the 'stuff ' that happens to me and how I worry that it might freak the partner out just going in cold like that. I asked her if she had any other recommendations as well. You know, just in case. She wrote, "I also know of a good therapist named ____________ who is really cool and understanding. She may have good info on folks that specialize in (deleted) treatment."
First off, I'm not sure I have the balls to call _____________. This is somewhat of a small town and I ran screaming out of that office with my hands over my ears three and a half years ago. Most people recollect shit like that, you know? Of course, no way am I fessin' up to that.
AND... She might have good info on folks who specialize in (deleted) treatment?
Uh... Hello! (Deleted) treatment? Who said anything about (deleted)? I didn't say that. Now I don't know about any of this new therapist stuff. There are too many things I would not be able to tell this woman now. I could never tell her about Jenny. The voice of the teenage girl? Nah. Not goin' there. I'll be in a fucking wheelchair or some shit by January anyway if something doesn't give. You know what I want? I want a glass of wine. Or maybe I want the Dream Mother back. Or some wine. Or maybe he could just stay the Interior Design Consultant. At least he can deal with the fact that I will say fuck numerous times, but I don't say (deleted). If he hurts my feelings again, I could just scream at him. Or hang up. Or... maybe what happened that day was more than two years ago now. So much has changed with him. And with me. I didn't have the power to scream at him OR hang up back then. Now I can do both and I'm really goooood at it if it's truly warranted. Plus, I have to admit, though I still hurt over it sometimes, it is very difficult for me to imagine a repeat performance seeing where we are now. Did I mention that he's used to me? He already knows about all the insane stuff I would die trying to explain to a stranger.
Dream Mother.
Wine.
Dream Mother.
Whine.
Interior Design Consultant.
NyQuil.
No one wants to be deleted. And if they are a little deleted and they realize it, maybe they just don't like the word deleted. I am so much more than deleted. And I want the Dream Mother back. I want him and I need him. He's such a quirky little thing. That works for me. Maybe I really will call him next week like I said I would. Unless I bust my ass in a fall down a rabbit hole. Communication can really suck down there.
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This sounds like it's really painful. Wish I had some decent advice. I'm struggling with functioning right now myself. I keep having worried thoughts about my son. I've been wearing the same clothes for several days and need to convince myself to bathe so my head can stop itching. I hate when I get like this.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some advice for you, too, Lynn, but all I have is encouragement to you to hang in there, trust your instincts, and follow through on what you think is best. (OK, I do have one bit of advice I just thought of: try to stay away from rabbit holes?)
ReplyDelete[[[HUG]]]
Lynn,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are in a really difficult place right now. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say except we are here for you.
Sending you lots of energy and clear thinking to help you deal with this.
Hugs,
Tamara
Warrior, You write damn well my friend. Express yourself really well. Deletion sucks.
ReplyDeleteHi Lynn,
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't say that I complete understand, on an intellectual level, what has transpired with your therapist, I get it on the emotional level. It's freaking painful and hurtful. However, I think you've hit the nail on the head with the idea that having to tell EVERYTHING so someone new would be just horrible! Maybe the question is what is the easier thing to do at this point, given that you need to have someone in your corner??
Then again, maybe it's not that at all. Just my gut feeling.
Take good care of you. Hmmm wine AND ??? Yep, being deleted sucks.
Jenni
Thanks, Lily. I have a lot of painful stuff. I have a bathing thing, too. I am kind of weirded out by the shower. I take my showers at night and sometimes I procrastinate it. For a while I thought that was causing or worsening my sleep thing, but that's not it. I guess it's realted, but still separate. I hate all this stuff, too.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{Lily}}}}}}}}
That is fabulous advice, Lawyerchik. The rabbit holes are not usually the best places to be. I'm trying to stay up here.
:-)
Yes, Tamara, it does get quite hard from time to time. Sometimes for a loooong time, and sometimes not, but it isn't fun. Thanks for the good vibes.
Oh, Kahless! I nearly cried when I read your comment.
{{{{{{{{Kahless}}}}}}}}
Thank you, my friend. When you read the next post, you'll see that you had great and inspirational timing. Much appreciated.
Hi, Jenni! I think it would be harder to start new. I think... I am usually a mess upstairs, though, so... Can I tell you a secret? I love him. I don't mean in any kind of romantic way, I mean in an 'I just love him' way. I think that is why his lack of compassion hurt me so much that day. It's because I already loved him by then. This head has seen a lot of shrinks, but I've never loved one of them. I didn't even know it was possible. It's no wonder I couldn't be helped before. They were... just passing by. The current therapist/ Dream Mother/ IDC/... he came inside and took a seat.
Thanks for sharing with me Lynn. Falling in love with him is sort of a good thing. Like you noted, you didn't love the others and they couldn't help you. I know, it's not romantic. It doesn't need to be. What's important it that it has become a relationship! There's good stuff in a working relationship. AND it hurts when someone you are in relationship with lets you down, especially emotionally.
ReplyDeleteGo ahead. Give him a call. You know you want to! :)
Ok, gotta go hem Princess Leia's robe!
Jenni
I hope Princess Leia brought home some good yummies. She sounds cute! I just gave some chocolates to a little tiny boy in a Transformer costume. What a cutie! One of the best costumes of the night so far. I've never seen a Transformer costume. I don't think I've seen a Princess Leia before, either. It sounds like a good costume idea.
ReplyDeletePrincess Leia of Star Wars fame. Maybe I spelled it wrong. My little tomboy will wear any costume that involves a weapon of some sort, be it sword, knife, pistol or light saber. She's been a pirate for the past 3 years by her own choice. We decided she was in a rut and needed a change this year.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a town that generally goes all out for the holidays and Halloween is no exception. Lots of 'haunted house' mazes and yard stuff. She's got a large bag of tooth rotting stuff and we've all got sore feet!
Jenni
{{{{{{Princess Leia}}}}}}
ReplyDelete:-)