I haven't cried since the first week after my sister's death. Tonight I did. I cried buckets. For all the losses and the fear they evoke in me. Especially around the sudden and totally unexpected losses of my brother and my beautiful sister. I've been having a lot of bad panic attacks. Will it help that I know why now? That I uncorked the bottle of fear and sorrow and let it out? I certainly fucking hope so. Not just because I hate feeling bad, but because I have four wonderful children who need me to help them with things. I can't afford to be crazy. Nor do I want to be. I just want to be with my kids and help them out. And then maybe do something for only me... like writing my fiction. I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole anymore. No more. Please no more. I just want it to stop.