UPDATE

1. I checked my site stats. Seattle, Washington arrived here by searching "dbt findfuck". Hello, Seattle!!! I used to live where you live. Literally and figuratively. Sometimes I miss the great food and the Soundgarden of your literal location, but I do not miss the mindfuck of your figurative one. See my last post. It applies to you, too. And congratulations for figuring it out. You're in good company here. Lots of smart people read my blog! :-)

2. Parenting is damned hard work. My youngest daughter started middle school and the angst and the 'homework drama' are getting to be just a bit much.

3. I've been doing a lot of nice things inside the house since I came back from Key West. I am finally well enough to give this place the make-over it's been needing and that is what I have been so busy doing. This work and item #2 of this post are getting me behind in my regular to-do list. And of course none of this means that I no longer have any psychological problems, but at least I am more well than I've been in quite a long time. I see some light at the end of the tunnel now, and this time I'm pretty sure it's not just the lights of an oncoming train in disguise.

4. A strange and wonderful thing happened at therapy (again). My therapist said he wants to come to my house to meet the rest of my family and see where I live so he can experience my space with me and have a more connected experience of how I feel in my home. He has met my husband and our youngest daughter, but not our twins and not our doggies. The idea of him coming here THRILLS the little girl in me, but the therapist asked me not to answer him right away about it in case others inside have other opinions and need to talk over any concerns. Still, the little girl is happy just because he WANTS to be in our home with us. And do you know how far of a drive that would be for him? Wow. He must really care about us.

5. It's 10:30 at night and one last daughter just opened my door (again) to tell me one last thing (again) that I need to add to my to-do list. I hope my brain doesn't short out or something.

6. Though parenting is hard, I am glad I do not confuse that with thinking that my children are hard. They're not hard, they're really good kids. The problem is all mine. Kids need things and sometimes it's hard for me to keep up, but their needs are normal. I wish my parents had figured that out. Maybe if they had, I would have a little less trouble keeping up because I would not have so much energy diverted in order to manage trauma and processing. Well, at least I figured it out and I hope my kids will have better lives because of it. At least no one in here would ever harm them or be cruel to them for opening my door one last time and needing one last thing. I'm different from my parents. I NEED to fulfill the needs of my children and I NEED to do it with kindness and love. I'm slow sometimes, but at least I'm on the same page with the most important people in my life. Maybe that's why they're okay. Being their mother is the hardest (because of the trauma), best and most important (because my kids are fabulous) thing I have ever done. I'm lucky in some ways. I'm lucky to have great kids.

7. I miss my son, though. I wish he could live here with us. Sometimes I even wish he could be a little boy again for a while so I could take care of him some more. Right now I am remembering watching him eat when he was a young teen and feeling happy that he had a healthy appetite and was growing and developing normally. Cooking his food and watching him eat like that made me feel so happy inside because I just wanted to GIVE to him. I haven't heard from him since before we went on vacation. I hope he's okay. I guess I will make some calls if I don't hear from him in the next few days. I want to give him space and not be pushy, but a fear that something might be very wrong for one of my kids, even if they're grown, can bring everything crashing down around me in a panic. If something is wrong, I prefer to know because I want to help and offer love and emotional support. I guess I'm just not one of the 'tough love' crowd who will refuse to mother their adult children when they have needs. I'm not saying I am one to rush in and 'fix' everything (and thus cripple them), I just want to BE THERE with some love and understanding. Even adults need that and who better to give it than a mother who really and truly loves you?