...and because my self-esteem has been pounded into the ground and I need to prove my right to exist...

I overheard a snippet of conversation Monday. The hub was speaking with a customer who wanted to sell some collectibles. I heard the price involved and I knew immediately that the purchase price was the reason the hub dismissed the deal out of hand. However, I also heard what the merchandise was and my brain immediately went to two other customers who I knew would buy it. The hub was reluctant to buy because the price would tie up a lot of investment capital and seemed too risky to him because of that. So... I told him what to do and he did it. He got back to the seller and asked very, very detailed questions about the inventory and then he contacted the two prospective buyers I mentioned and acted as if he already owned the merchandise. Yes, they wanted to buy it from him for four times the price the seller was asking. And so he sold it before he even bought it, really. To me, this was no different than shorting the stock market in which case a person sells something before they buy it. There are many ways to do business and for some reason, even though I'm usually some kind of mess or other, certain keys words in my environment can call up a whole different operating system for my brain. The hub was sweating it, but to me it was no different than simultaneously buying and selling a piece of real estate using a contract assignment and simultaneous closings and walking out with a nice check.

Things like that don't make me sweat, but I still can't deal with vacation. Maybe it's just that EVERYONE has their talents AND their limits and freaky little quirks. Maybe it's that. And maybe I will be better off tomorrow than I am today. And maybe the people who have the ability to enjoy vacation would not be able to afford a vacation if not for the defective little freak who actually runs this joint. Yeah. Maybe it's that. :-) I think I am not going to feel guilty for being too injured to enjoy everything that they can. And now I am going to bed with the hope that I will wake up to a better day.