1. I guess I don't blog much anymore, eh?
2. I still read other people's blogs once in a while, but I rarely comment or email anyone because I would probably just say the wrong thing anyway.
3. Though I like not being cold, summer still sucks and I CAN'T WAIT for it to be over. This month has been especially bad and I just need some issues finished off and the kids back in school.
4. I have just decided tonight that I will not go on vacation with my family next month. Though thoughts of a nice vacation made me feel good several weeks ago, it's not like that now and I'm completely burned out. To some extent, a vacation entails actual WORK for me because of my issues. Now, when I'm burnt - it just ain't happening and I look forward to my family going away without me so I can get some fucking peace and quiet for a goddamn change.
5. Save it. I already know I'm an asshole and I don't give a rip. I'm finally toast and I just can't be close with my daughters or anyone else anymore until people are back in school and going to bed early so I can breathe.
6. There are still a few mandatory to-do items this summer, but I swear to fucking god I ain't doing anything more that ain't mandatory. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if cooking, shopping and cleaning are even mandatory.
7. Maybe I can come alive again after summer. Or not. I frankly don't give a fuck right now. Maybe I have finally lost my ability to care. Good. I need the rest just to be able to keep living and I mean that most literally. I have absolutely nothing left inside for anyone to suck out of me. I gave them everything, they still want more and there is nothing left. The well has run dry.
EDITED TO ADD:
8. Child molesters don't just fuck the kids they fuck, they fuck the kids those kids grow up to have, sometimes even when those grown kids give their all to make life good for THEIR kids. That is why I am not in a forgiving mood for those fucking assholes and, if given the opportunity, I would torch them at my leisure in my backyard simply for the entertainment value. I swear I would and I would not suffer a single pang of remorse.
Numbers 8 has made my life a living hell. I can relate to the pain you are feeling and the sure exhaustion of just trying to stay a float. Hopefully you will find some much needed relief.
ReplyDeleteI know....and I can't undo or take away any of of the horrible shit that was done to you but an asshole you are not! I got home today, feeling like he'll, wondering why I. Gnu through all this when I'm just going to die anyway and I had a package waiting for me. And now Rambo is here in the flesh! Well, plastic! And I can't imagine the searching you went through to find him! I'm so grateful! And it probably doesn't mean much but as as long as Im here....you got me babe. Like really, you're stuck with me.
ReplyDeleteI love u girl- G
Good and healing thoughts to you.
ReplyDeleteKate
I'm still here, too, kid. Even though I've been a complete slacker lately. Hang in there - "they" say that excessive heat causes problems for people in more ways than one. Maybe when the heat breaks, you will have more energy and "ganas" (as the Venezuelans say).
ReplyDeleteYou've never said the wrong thing to me.
ReplyDeletePs. Guess which country I commented from.
ReplyDeleteMy dear - the picture of "the shipwrecked" is an astonishing thing to mmet here. Do you know the Spanish philosopher Ortega y Gasset? He talks about the human condition and us as shipwrecked survivors. The same image/picture can be found in the writings of Blumenberg, a German philosopher of the 20th century.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you are - you is! You define. All the hurt, the dissappointment, the absolutely unnecessary payne - as you say: the aboriginies do not know better. They normally do not mean to hurt. And without their intention - you are able to ignore, to NOT allow. You are the master of your own.
I hope you find a good sleep. Balance. And power - especially to protect yerself.