Relief

I finally feel some. Things have been very hard for me lately. I have been VERY anxious and distraught. I have lots of things I need to do, but my inner problems caused me to become disorganized and completely screwed up. I limped on as best I could, but I have been thoroughly miserable and minimally effectual. And now I feel some relief. It happened tonight at therapy. And maybe it started the day before when the therapist called to check in with me and told me that he cares about me and trusts me instead of doing what most others might have done in the same circumstances (have my crazy ass locked up). Tonight, he zeroed in on the real problem after I described more about what has been going on inside and what things have been triggering the madness. He explained how little children need connections with adults and that the little girl needs the same. He explained how, with what happened with the last therapist, there is fear and mistrust. And for a child, our therapy relationship is like the little girl getting a new mommy and that it takes a lot of time for a child to adjust to that. And yes, I am also aware that the recent reliving inside of the teenager's hurt by the last therapist caused others to block the children from the new mommy in order to protect them just in case it ends up really being true (as some think) that no one can really be trusted. Actually, that whole issue of the teenager and the old therapist caused all kinds of horrible shit. But right now I feel better. I remember tonight's appointment. The sound of his voice, his words when he referred to himself as the little girl's new mommy and how that made her feel (better). I remember Rambo coming out to challenge him and try to horrify him and possibly get us kicked out of his office. He was unfazed. I remember the safe feeling of his arms around me. The little girl feels better and now I can breathe. I took advantage of that when I came home and I got myself reorganized. Tomorrow is a new day and I feel like I can handle it now instead of hiding under the covers and dreading having to get out of bed only to navigate ineffectually in the shark-infested waters of mental chaos.