I've been shy about blogging lately, but here goes...

I've been thinking about someone very special tonight. I think of him often, but why tonight? I dunno. Maybe because my therapist reminds me of his inherent decency. My therapist is a safe man and it is okay to talk to him, be with him, hug him, hold his hand -- I know he won't hurt me and is no kind of pervert. And my friend J was the same.

J and I were very close. He understood my panic attacks and my fear at night. At least he seemed to. I didn't understand those problems myself at that time as I was very young, but J seemed to. Maybe because he was so much older than me. Or maybe for other reasons, I don't know, but he was very kind. He was so good to me. We met at Karaoke (just like how I met my sweet husband). We started going out to sing together and calling each other on the phone. He used to show up at my apartment unannounced sometimes on a Sunday evening fresh from the fishing boat, crabs in hand. He asked me to keep our favorite Old Bay spice in the kitchen. Which, of course, I was happy to do. And HE helped me cook the crabs. He caught them, delivered them AND helped cooked them!! We had wonderful times at my apartment making dinners and playing with my pet birds. I loved it when he would sit at the kitchen table and talk with me while I washed up the dishes. And he always offered to help and I always declined. I declined because he caught the food and helped cook it and I was deeply touched that he was such a gentleman that he would still offer to help wash the dishes. I didn't need him to wash the dishes afterward, I just needed his lovely company and to hear his wonderful voice. I guess I just loved him.

Things got strange one night, though, as things can do. He had just left an abusive relationship and so had I (turned out to be only temporary for me). We drank a lot and ended up in a hotel room. And even though he was wasted, all I had to say was "no, I don't think we should". That's all I had to say. Do you know why? Because he was a nice man, a true gentleman and because he really loved me and would not have hurt me. Even more strangely, we talked the whole thing out afterward while naked together in the bathtub (yes, I now know that such a thing is a bit warped but I was young then, so give me a break).

We still slept together after that. Not sex, we never had sex -- I mean actual sleeping. Because he was the main person I used to call during a massive freakout at night and he would come over and sleep with me. He stayed on top of the covers with his clothes on and he held me right through the blankets until the crazy went away and I was able to fall asleep. I fell asleep because of him. He was like a guardian angel. But it didn't last very long. I called him one day to see if he wanted to go out, but he didn't answer and I couldn't find him for days. I thought he had maybe gone fishing and just not mentioned it. He hadn't. My poor J had died all alone in his home while he slept and a mutual friend went inside the house to check things out when no one could find him. I was so devastated. This lovely man, my best friend... just gone with no warning or anything. Within just a couple of months, I found myself losing my three closest friends, pregnant with twins and abandoned by their asshole father who had abused me. I needed J, but he was gone. STG, if he had not died, I really believe I would have ended up eventually marrying him. I really did love him. I was so devastated by his sudden death that I was unable to even attend the funeral. My very understanding husband accompanied me to J's grave several years later. But I still miss him. J would like my husband and he would totally approve and be so happy for me. He taught me what love is. He is the one who reprogrammed my idea of love. Because he loved me. I wish he could come here now and hold me until I fall asleep. Sometimes I still miss him so much that it makes an aching feeling in my throat and in my chest. Not only because he never fucked me, but because he LOVED me. In my bed. Through the covers. He was so good and safe. He loved me. He really, really loved me. I loved him, too. I will always love him.



Jeff, please come back. I need you right now. I need to go to sleep and I know you would hold me for real if you could be here. Please be here. Please. If there is anything left of YOU in this realm, please find a way. I need you so much.