Things have taken a decidedly shitty turn. I don't know what to do. I need help from somewhere and I just don't know what to do anymore, but I am feeling very desperate and it's all I've been able to do to not do something blatantly injurious (blood-drawing) to the body to try to make it go away. I've been having very scary thoughts. Very scary. And bad connections that I want very much to dissociate because I don't feel like I have enough power on my own to deal with them. I'm trying to stay safe. Unfortunately, for right now, safety includes getting drunk among other similar things. I need sleep now. Please hope for me that the torment will end and still spare my life and my physical health. I just need it to end and I've lost my way. I'm going to sleep now. To be more precise, I'm about to pass out. I hope I wake up. At least there are no dreams in blackouts. There's that much. But why does my life have to hurt me so much? It's not fair. I did not create this, it was imposed upon me. And I feel like I have nowhere to go.