Sent to New Guy. And I was glad for a compassionate answer.
Good morning, New Guy.
It's 5 AM in my world and I'm sick. Not the same kind of sick (mentally) I usually mean when I say that. I have a sinus problem and it hurts. Back in August of 2009 when I had a urinary tract infection in a house filled with swine flu, that was enough to make me stop drinking for nine days. You know -- for health and safety reasons. Now, I need a decongestant or an anti-inflammatory or something and... My husband went to the store for me, but I can't do it. I can't take that stuff. I chose the alcohol instead (the warning labels insisted that I choose). Of course I COULD just go to a surgeon and have the deviated septum and the floating bit of cartilage taken care of, but... No can do. It was hard enough to hear about that and not know how it happened. I'm practicing ignoring the pain and just waiting for it to go away. Even if it never does and it makes me useless because I spend all my time just surviving it and pretending that I'm okay so I can bother other people as little as possible and still stay alive. Because that is what I know how to do. And no, I will never be going back to AA. I hate those liars. They insist that I be powerless and be loaded right the fuck down with character flaws and they don't understand the pain and shame that drive this train wreck. AND they want me to have a higher power that will save me from my own actions. Ha! I AM the only power that can do anything about my actions if only I could figure out how. God is drunk and in pain and I'm the only one who seems to really know that. So I thought I would tell you so someone else would know, too. My face hurts and I'm starting to just not give a rip. Maybe I can send it away to live in some other dimension. It might end up in the same dimension with my vagina and then it won't be lonely. In Old Guy's storage unit maybe. Here's to hoping.
I did find a remedy to safely help myself and I'm starting to feel better. Anyone with horrible sinus congestion might try this. It works, but it's a bit like macing yourself (I should know - don't ask - drunk people should not carry breath spray and mace at the same time - just sayin'). You know what? I worry that I will feel ashamed later for posting this. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed. I do the best that I can. I know it's shit, but it's the best I have at the moment. I want something better. At least I have New Guy's emails. Maybe he's right. Maybe I deserve to have good care.
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Yuck! I'm sorry you're suffering from ick sinus stuff. I'm glad you got th response you needed from new guy tho.
ReplyDeleteI'm tired of feeling ashamed too..for everything. I just give up.
Good grief, girl, why didn't you *tell* me you had a drinking thing? I'm kidding of course, being sarcastic--we barely know each other! Go back to my blog and click on the WFS link and read the 13 New Life statements and see if they resonate with you as they did for me which saved me from ever having to return to AA ever! Not to mention got me happily sober! The message boards rock.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. Have you tried a neti pot for the sinus pain? Do you know what that silly thing is? But is seems to work for lots of folks...
Judy
P.S. Tami Green---have you checked-out her website yet? (also listed on my blog). She had sever BPD and is fully recovered. She was an alcoholic but for some reason seems to have gained control over her drinking since recovering from BPD. But, and this is important: she has to limit herself to two drinks per week or it will trigger BPD symptoms. My hat is off to her on that one. I don't think that will ever be my story but it doesn't matter because I genuinely don't want booze anymore!
Anyway, my point is that her inexpensive booklets saved my life. I feel 85% recovered from BPD.
I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. I can relate! I wish I knew what to say to help, but I'm not functioning to well myself. We will just have to try and hold on together.
ReplyDeleteNew Guy is damn right about this. You deserve good care, you are worth it.
ReplyDeleteBTW I think God is not drunk, it's the long day after. And Ms. God made snide remarks, so ...
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, too, Lynn! And seriously - you have nothing to be ashamed of with your post. Don't sweat it, kiddo!! Get better!! [[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]
ReplyDeleteThank you. Shame is so painful. Even though it took me a long time to feel okay enough to publish them, I do apppreciate the comments on this post.
ReplyDeleteSinus congestion is the worst. I don't have much of a congestion problem, but my sinuses are always swollen, I had a CT scan of them once. I even take a nasal steroid. But this stuff really helps, and it's not medicine, it's a nasal saline rinse. It sounds gross, but really works to help with congestion and inflammation.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.neilmed.com/usa/sinusrinse.php