My Predictable Holiday Downer Post

Because silence just doesn't seem to be my forte. Not even when maybe it OUGHT to be. Anyhow, I have had a bad few weeks and this week was even WORSE. Something terrible happened and the little girl got hurt and all hell has been busting loose in here and it has been very hard to keep up with. Too hard, and thus I got some of my info on a 'delay'. Or by accident when I checked my freakin' email. Perhaps some of you with DDs can understand what I mean.

Maybe this post would be more coherent if I started it from the point at which the little one got hurt this week. It was a case of wrong words. A case of fear morphed into anger and frustration was misdirected and placed at the feet of the littlest because she has been making so much desperate noise. He did not say loud words and they were not malicious in tone, but the little girl understood their meaning. One minute I was there hearing the words with her and the next minute I was slumped over and could not speak. I remember thinking that I should get up and leave, but I guess my feet couldn't hear my brain anymore. I remember New Guy coming over to me and saying things, but I could not answer. I don't remember everything he said and there were times that I couldn't even understand words, but I remember the way the words sounded. They sounded soothing and apologetic. But I could not answer. I remember he tried to hold my hand, but I/ she could not allow it to uncurl. I remember that I could only feel that hand when he picked it up and it was then that I noticed it was wet with sweat. I remember wanting my heart to stop pounding and I remember the upsetting feeling in certain unmentionable places when it would not (no, the wrong words spoken were not filthy). I don't remember everything, but I remember he asked what I needed to make things better and I heard a scared voice whisper to him that it wished to be invisible. I wondered where that whispering sound was coming from. I realized it was coming from me, but I did not understand.

I somehow got home. Then there were the flashbacks from times when the little girl was hurt from someone else's anger a long time ago - clothes ripped off, beaten, kicked, choked, carried around by her hair, slammed into walls, thrown to the floor and spat upon. And then it seems that at some later time, the teenage girl made angry blog posts here and sent some emails. And she seemed especially entertained by the thought of a Jewish guy getting a pic of Jesus's middle finger. And of course, who would be worthy enough to share a pictorial post with Jesus as he flipped someone the bird? Why Keith Richards, of course! And Keith was also flipping the bird. Nice, eh? I feel like a crazy person and I haven't showered or brushed my teeth since Tuesday afternoon. I washed a load of dishes, took out the trash, brushed my hair once... I think that's about it. Oh, and I at least asked the hub to do a few essentials that I guess I knew I wasn't going to be able to do. I assume I have at least been eating, peeing and pooping. I found some empty beer bottles under my bed, so I DO know I have been drinking.

I have slept a bit more than usual, but not for more than a few hours at a time. I had a lot of nightmares. I remember some of them. Someone cooked my dogs in the oven in my kitchen in one of them. In others, I dreamed of very weird houses that had some hallways and pass-throughs that were much too narrow for me to fit through. Most of these dreams had it so these narrow spaces prohibited me from getting to either a bathroom or a kitchen. In one dream I had an infant who tried to crawl through the narrow spaces, but I could not let him because they were so narrow that I was afraid his head would get stuck.

Emails went back and forth in the meanwhile. From what I can see, everyone has had something to say. I was able to come around enough to tell my husband what has been wrong with me and he is being very supportive and yet he also really gets what's going on in a reasonable way. Jenny stepped in and did something I don't think she has ever done before. She communicated to someone (it was New Guy) directly instead of just telling me to tell them something. Maybe the dust is settling. I don't know. I only know this - I want to stay out of the hole and my highest aspiration right now is to brush my teeth. And if my mother shows up over here with gifts, I need to be locked in my room to make sure no one shoves them up her lying ass.



**** Edited to Add:
I know this is a bad post. I know it is. It is not clear because it would hurt me too much right now to be too clear and I am too scared of going back to the bad place. But I worry that no one will understand me and then I won't know for sure whether or not I am out of the rabbit hole yet. If you understand this post at all, please tell me. I just need to know where I am. Please. Anyone at all. Please tell me if you can understand me.