I have not been able to blog because I've been in such a shitty mood and didn't feel like inflicting it on those who stop by to read. But at some point... DAMN!!! A lady's got to rant, right? This will be one of those numbered jobs...
1. 'The others' have been banished. At first it was good, now I feel like shit.
2. New Guy seems like a stranger to me under these circumstances. And so do most of you who read here. I even hesitated to post here because I have been feeling like this is not really 'my' blog and that it only belongs to the others. And I vaguely realize that all of this is very, very sad somehow.
3. I cried myself to sleep last night because of an intrusion by the teenage girl.
4. Then I dreamed of a gross looking penis being shoved in my face. It was kind of purplish/ black looking. Made me think of V.D. or decomposition. It was very upsetting.
5. I am getting angry. I'm tired of this bullshit. It's making me think of doing something truly awful. Even if it's only to end the torment of the hypochondria. I can't live this way anymore.
6. I read a blog tonight written by someone who is studying to be a psychotherapist. It made me want to slap the dumb bitch. Note: FIRST WORK OUT YOUR OWN SHIT BEFORE YOU HURT SOMEONE WITH IT, YOU STUPID, STUPID COW!!!
7. Old Guy is history now, but he has left a legacy. It is not one that would make him proud. Right this very minute? - I wish I could slap him. I'm glad I got away from him. Even someone with good intentions can be a toxic disaster. See item number 6. People like these are self-centered assholes. They can't fix their own shit, want to save the goddamn world and will turn on you if your honesty makes them uncomfortable. THEY CAN FUCK OFF, BITE ME, KISS MY FUCKING ASS AND ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE. PREFERABLY AFTER I SLAP THE IDIOCY OUT OF THEM. I swear there should be a minimum IQ requirement to be a therapist.
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I totally agree with you. So many therapist don't have their own Shit together and they are going to fix me? I don't think so!!!!!!! I'm sorry you are having such awful nightmares. I used to have the penis in the face dreams one and they would make me very restless like I was fighting someone off. I sometimes would wake up yelling. My therapist told me at my last session I had to forgive my abusers. Tell me how do you do that???? I worry about you because you are dealing with so much at the same time. I am impressed that you are even able to get out of bed. I don't blame you for being angry. If anyone has a right to be angry you do. I am hear willing to hear you rant as much as you need to. Keep writing and letting out the anger. None of this was ever your fault. You do what you need to do to stay safe. Standing next to you and listening.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Wanda. And you don't HAVE to forgive. It shouldn't even be an issue unless the perp comes crawling to you begging your forgiveness with proof that he is deeply regretful and has changed his ways. It sounds like your therapist has some of her own shit to work out? I guess she is in the majority of her peers.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to shitty moods.
ReplyDeleteI'm just a stranger. And I doubt seriously that "to forgive" is somthing one can "do". I do not like this "holy" speak. All I know that there are some things I will not "forgive" and other things I did that will not be "forgiven". "Forgive" means for me in this connection first "forget", and second it means or describes a kind of imbalance.
ReplyDeleteSomeone can study to be a therapist have issues. A lot of people can help others and not themselves. Therapists aren't perfect and free of problems, you know? Besides, if she is just STUDYING, she likely has a long way to go AND will have a lot of her issues worked out before she is finished. I know SEVERAL people who have DID and are working as therapists. It can happen.
ReplyDeleteyou're a moron. anyone can be a therapist who wants to...therapists aren't free of problems dumbass!!!!
ReplyDelete"anyone can be a therapist who wants to..."
ReplyDeleteFine.
Should anyone be a therapist who wants to? And is insulting people on their own blogs a good idea?
Fuck off, Anon. Your opinion means nothing here. Take it to your own blog where unhealed therapists who give unhealthy and often toxic 'help' can come on and totally agree with you. Because the vast majority will do just that and I think you know it, too. I will delete any further comments from you.
ReplyDelete(((LYNN))) I can't even imagine how you're dealing with all that you are...crying yourself to sleep is totally understandable!!! I'm so sorry for the nightmares - I wish I knew how to make them stop...
ReplyDeleteThere are some things that are unforgivable! Unforgivable! No matter what! I want to learn to forgive all of "ME" (I hope)- but them? Never! They don't deserve my forgiveness.
I'm not sure IQ is a true test of a good therapist...I wish I knew what was...I wonder if the smartest person in the world can still be an asshole when it comes to empathy and accepting US without asking us to be "mindful" and sweeping our shit under the rug...gotta be super smart to get an MD, I'm guessing and be able to prescribe a shitload of antipsychotics...that numb your mind and kill your immune system...anyway...that doesn't matter right this minute.
Why I'm here...now, is because I'm wondering how YOU are tonight...and I'm hoping that's better than last night.
(((LYNN))))
Yeah, it's better than last night. Right now anyway. But only because I'm busy laughing at Anon, who is probably studying to be a therapist when not too busy with mindful 'sweeping' activities. I suppose the true test of the quality of the night won't come until later on. I think it's still too early now.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I really wish I was a completely heartless bitch so I could post links to the psychology student I mentioned in the post, but I can't because I don't want to humiliate anyone in public in such a direct and personal manner as that. It might steal her voice should she ever stumble upon the posting and that would be BAD as she obviously needs a place to write and not everyone can stand up to public criticism.
ReplyDeleteHowever - if I DID post links, only the most distracted readers would not get my point. And the whole thing reminds me of Old Guy. My god - if he were younger, cuter and had a vagina instead of a penis - IT COULD BE HIM. Right down to refusing to understand the history of her own family of
origin and the link it might have to the present suffering of her own child as her own therapy seems to lean too much toward sweeping things under the rug! This whole thing is so corrupt - so distressing to me - that I can barely describe it.
No person who sweeps things like that has ANY BUSINESS being a therapist. I regularly read a therapist who has a DD. AND SHE IS NOT LIKE THE VAST MAJORITY. She breaks her ass at great personal expense to face her stuff. She is the very rare and very brave exception - not the rule. Those who are the rule should be made to stand in front of a firing squad and I have EVERY right to be absolutely INFURIATED by this!! All of us who seek help have this right. It is also our RESPONSIBILITY. I can't even begin to explain the MASSIVE damage and the years of life I have been robbed of by therapists who refuse to face their shit and thus needed to gloss over mine. It is UNCONSCIONABLE that this is so prevalent. I see the toxic fallout of these incompetents every single day and IT NEEDS TO STOP! It is bad enough that this toxic shit is taught in families - WE DON'T NEED IT IN THERAPY, TOO!!!! If you refuse to face your shit because
you just can't stand it - fine. You have that option. BUT DON'T BE A THERAPIST. There are lots and lots of other things you can do, so go do one of them and leave us alone to heal without being further assaulted.
And Mago is 100% correct in his evaluation of forgiveness and 'holy speak'. Right on, Mago! And thank you Mike for understanding a shit mood. We all get them. And usually with good reason, be it past, present, or something in-between.
Hopefully, this is the end of this particular rant. For now, anyway. Because I HAVE BEEN GRAVELY INJURED AND I WON'T PUT IT UNDER THE RUG ANYMORE because I keep tripping and falling on the goddamn bumps that mess leaves under there.