Happy Ordinary Day

Well, it's almost Thanksgiving. I don't do well with holidays. And though I have certainly been worse off than I am right now, Thanksgiving doesn't feel like a good thing. I talked to New Guy about holidays last night. He asked me how I want the holidays to be. My answer? I DON'T want them to be. I want them to go away. And really, now I feel glad that he asked. And I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it for real just as I really meant what I said in my answer to him. I think what I have done now is to admit that holidays have historically been simply something that I tolerate and not anything that I feel pulled to really participate in. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it is. After all, we will still have a nice dinner for the children, they will still get gifts at Christmas, etc. Maybe that's enough. Maybe there is no rule written down anywhere that says I have to feel a certain way about any of it.

Here is my Thanksgiving holiday plan: I will carry on as if these will be regular days just like any other. I LIKE regular days. This will be easier for me to do than it might be for some because my husband does the dinner and we don't have outside guests. And if I run into triggers? I already HAVE been running into them and I'm still okay(ish). Kinda sorta. And maybe that's not so bad considering the time of year. Really I just want to do ordinary things right now: paperwork, tidying up, puttering around the house, a little daydreaming, a little Netflix... like that. So I think whenever I hear or read, "Happy Thanksgiving", I am going to choose to hear, "Happy Ordinary Day." I need the comfort of the ordinary right now to make sure that things don't get so overwhelming that they spin out of control. There are too many things in life over which people have very little control. If I can gain some semblance of control over how I experience the holidays by making them 'go away' a bit without dissociating, then THAT would be EXTRAORDINARY. Maybe even something to be thankful for? Heh heh. If nothing else, I can still laugh. Because such a turn of events would be a paradox as opposed to a double-bind. And with that said, it is now time for me to close my yap for right now.