I've been feeling her...

...and it's been awful. I feel sorry that I had to step on the teenage girl's face (my face) and leave her (me) lying in the filth to get where I am. And yet... the ability to do that in very dire circumstances might sometimes account for the difference between me and other traumatized people who end up on skid row or live in mental institutions and/ or cannot escape the psychiatric death machine. So might the ability to eventually welcome back your own old shit. I owe that girl and I will never step on her or leave her behind again. I want everything that I have to also become hers because she deserves to share the good things. The problem with that is... I am terrified because she wants to share her stuff with me, too. And I don't deserve it. No one does. I have been in a lot of pain and it is only the beginning.

First the little girl was ripped from her mommy and then Jenny came closer to Rambo and they both moved closer to me. Now the teenage girl wants ME... I have been having a very hard time the past couple of weeks. I have worked very hard and I HURT inside. There have been times when I felt expansion in my brain as a physical sensation until I feared the pressure might spontaneously crack my skull. I need New Guy's help and the teenage girl thinks that the purpose of going to a therapist is to KILL HER. This is what she learned before New Guy (and yes, Marsha Marsha Marsha is a rotten cunt - see the sidebar). I wish things were not so hard as they are. Sometimes I get tired. I just want to be well. I want the torment to end.

I know this sounds awful in some ways, but maybe I am redefining this time of year. Halloween scares the bejesus out of me (the little girl). But this year a warm front has come and it feels different. Also, just two days before the ten year anniversary of the father's death was when I let go of Old Guy (last Wednesday) and it feels (to some) as if these deaths are reason for celebration. Immediately after, Rambo and Jenny did their best to get some consolidation and rush to my aid to try to help me catch the girl they tossed my way. The same girl that Rambo has been defending and fighting Old Guy over for more than four years. Rambo won. No surprise there, but he (I) did not leave me. Now THAT is a surprise when I think of him as just being ME. New Guy didn't leave me, either (not even on his day off - which I feel a little guilty and A LOT grateful about) and that was another surprise to some (a confusing one because of the teenage girl). Where is the little girl in all of this? She is waiting. Watching and waiting... held quiet and safe in the arms of her real parents, Rambo and Jenny, who I suspect will shield her from Halloween this year in deference to the desperate need of the teenage girl.

And me? I'm tired and afraid and I need all of the strength and comfort I can get. But I still won't mindfully peel any fucking orange. Fuck you, Marsha, you nasty sow. Up yours, bitch. Up yours.