How can one small part of a conversation hurt me so very much?

Sent to Old Guy (I'm too tired to provide background info) --

The karma thing made me feel bad, but that is not what made Rambo order up the rant via movie clip. HE felt judged when the discussion turned to alcohol abuse. I did not feel judged by that. These are two separate things. Rambo's video rant is about the alcohol, which he ended up allowing me in order to shut everyone up so they could not be hurt for needing help.

The other email (only from me) was about karma. Which, if it exists (which I don't think it does), means that it was pre-approved by the universe that I be abused, beaten, molested, hated, tormented, raped, etc, for some higher purpose because these things were 'meant to be'. I hope you can see how such ideas invalidate me and my value as a human being. In spite of my crassness and frequent lack of decorum, I consider myself to be a good person. If I really thought atrocities serve a higher purpose, I would be out committing them. I hope you can see why irrational beliefs erode my trust. And certain irrational beliefs smack of a person who needs to deny that atrocities exist at all by claiming that everything that happens is essentially for the good. If this is the case, then I want my son released from prison immediately. If this is the case, then it is not really his personal responsibilty that he robbed pharmacies. He was MEANT to rob them. Perhaps the poor clerks who had a gun shoved in their faces were MEANT to be terrorized and so my son was really serving a higher purpose and has not really committed a crime. I hope you can see why I attribute such irrational beliefs to some form of sickness and why I have a difficult time trusting those who hold them with my TRAUMA ISSUES. This hurts me, (Old Guy). It does. I would like to believe that my therapist is mentally healthier than I am and irrational beliefs SCARE ME when they come from someone who I am sincerely hoping is very sane. A belief in karma is NOT entirely sane, (Old Guy). It is a cop-out. If I get the golden retrievers, I will not have gotten them from karma. I will have purchased them from a man named (so-and-so) because (husband) and I responded to his ad and he decided that my family and I are the most compatible humans to take over the care of his beloved pets. And I was not abused or raped because of karma. What happened to me did not, and never will, serve a higher purpose. It was not ordained. These things happened because PEOPLE abused and raped me. Some made conscious decisions, some unconscious, but nothing was 'ordained' except that people are responsible for what they do. Yeah, I can see how karma, gods and destiny make for handy fall guys, but I'm not buying it. And I'm so very, very sad that you are. I guess I had come to hope that you like me and think that I have value. I didn't want to trust you and tell you things only to know that you think that all of the horrible things that have happened to me were meant to be. It doesn't feel good to know that someone I love so much thinks that I am the preordained garbage dump of the universe. Things like that hurt me more than you can possibly know. I am in so much pain now. Maybe you will never really like me. Just like HER. Maybe I will always be the garbage of the universe. I wonder what I could have done as an infant to warrant such a designation. I guess I should not have cried for anything. Maybe I should not have communicated my need to be fed or held. Perhaps I should never have been born at all. Sometimes I think my birth is the thing I am really trying to remedy when I have eight or so drinks and then take some pills and chug some NyQuil. Because garbage shouldn't be here. Maybe I'm just trying to do my part and take out the trash.



And all of this because he said I will get the dogs if I am meant to have them? All of this because of his little karma fixation? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired. Here is the video rant that Rambo sent to old guy after he voiced his disapproval of copious amounts of alcohol. (The purpose of the alcohol was to not need to bother other people with my pain - same as the psyche drugs Old Guy tried to shove on me when I was finally able to handle the real issues because I thought he would stand by me instead of hurt me. I just wanted to be free. I was trying to accept life and get to a place where I could actually live it.)

Rambo to Old Guy on alcohol (go ahead and use it so the hurt ones will not be attacked and insulted anymore for bothering the therapist with their pain) --