1. I have my own computer back. Yay! Bye bye, Vista. :-)
2. I wish I could stop assuming an impending catastrophe when concerning things come up in life. Yes, I know intellectually that growing up in fear can make a person always think of the worst, but just knowing that is not usually enough to stop the catastrophe machine and I'm damn tired of it.
3. I could not escape the little girl. She woke me up and told me things. I'm not sure what would have happened if Old Guy had not been with me last night. Something has definitely changed there. It's a long and involved story, but Old Guy is, of course, credited for his own growth and for his commitment to healing the rift between us. However, in a strange twist, I would not have been able to even SEE any changes in Old Guy if not for my interactions with New Guy (who is very supportive and helpful). I really love those two.
4. I've been hurting from the flashbacks that started Saturday. It is true that my mother used to tie me up and leave me all alone in the cabin at the lake for hours and hours at a time. I was just a toddler. She did not love me and she made me desperate. And bad things happened while she was gone. I don't like being sucked into being that girl. That girl wants her mother (the therapists). Thankfully, they are here for me. I'm still scared sometimes, though. And sometimes I'm ashamed for needing and for telling. That is SO not right.
5. So many things make sense now. Things like:
a) Said to Old Guy from a dissociative state in early 2006 or 2007: "It's dark and no one is coming. There is no one. I'm so scared."
b. The near psychotic state I entered while reading Gerald's Game. I never could finish it. Yuck.
c. The flashback that occurred when I was tied down and forcibly drugged while giving birth (for declining to be drugged - yes - it was BIRTH RAPE).
d. My deep conviction that really bad things will just keep happening and NO ONE will show up to help me because no one loves me or cares what happens to me.
e. So many, many things and they are too many to list right now. It's all sad, I hurt, and I resent it that it is so hard for me to keep up with regular life because of things that others have done to me. All that stuff makes me so tired and so deeply afraid.
Wishing you peace and safety.((((EH)))))
ReplyDelete1d. I am here and would show up and love you.xx
ReplyDeleteGerarld's game - shudder. Yeah that was not a good book for me either.
ReplyDeleteim glad you have your computer back! I feel that way too, the "doom" thinking. And I dont have any idea what to do with that little girl who "shows" me so much pain. My mother used to leave me alone too! For days! I don't understand how a parent can do that. I really don't. I'm glad you feel some support from "the guys"...you need and deserve that support!
ReplyDelete((LYNN))
The birth rape article is horrific. I am sorry for what you experienced during birth, and at other times. I am glad you have two good therapists. And especially glad that one of them is showing that it is possible to restore / heal some broken relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI haven't been here in a while, but I haven't been anywhere! Take no offense. My blog reading has been abysmal for who knows how long.
Reading this sent shivers up and down my spine, and gave me goosebumps. I think the only "good" thing is you ditched Vista. At least I think ditching Vista is a good thing.
OMFG. *big hugs* What do we do or can we say about PTSD! It is a living hell. That may be putting it mildly?
Like all mental illnesses or disorders, you can't really understand them if you've never experienced them. However, I feel PTSD may be the worst or most difficult.
How do you explain a flashback? How do you explain dissociation? How do you explain all the bits and pieces that may occur with both?
You may not "get the full story" because of those "blanks." That is so common. They can leave you confused, frightened, yet despite that, frustrated too! You want to know all the details, but maybe you don't. Maybe it will help you make sense of things. Maybe it will just make things worse because you already feel like your head has exploded! It's different for everyone.
My memory has been basically destroyed due to trauma. I can barely remember anything.
I had a flashback some time ago (and I say some time ago for a reason.) I didn't even remember the event happening, but it was so violent, ugly and disgusting that it scared me to death! I also had said "blanks."
Here's where and why I say "some time ago." I can't remember how, when or why I had the flashback! Having PTSD nuked my memory all over again!
Anyway, hang in there hon.
Also, another reason I skipped by, is that I never added you to my Blogroll! Consider it done.