1. I am still using the husband's computer, even though Vista and the keyboard annoy me. Though I have been cleaning things like a motherfucker, I have not yet done anything about my computer. It seems like too much trouble.

2. I have been working hard to prevent a 'crash' (in the personal sense).

3. We were supposed to leave Monday for a brief vacation. I had not yet decided whether or not I would go. Go with the family or stay alone for five days... I had not yet decided which was the lesser of evils.

4. Because of an unexpected business opportunity, no one is going anywhere right now. Any prospect of a vacation has now been put off until at least Christmas, which is something akin to a stay of execution for me. I hate hotels, etc. Still, I worried about my safety in being alone for too long.

5. I did not foresee this postponement and declined New Guy's offer to hold my appointment should I decide to stay behind (he is an hour away and I can't go alone, so my husband always drives me).

6. Now there is an inner war about whether or not to tell him what has happened. On the one hand, he has probably filled that appointment. On the other, I have not been well and I cannot know he has filled the appointment unless I ask. And there is this little voice urging me to try to get along for a bit on my own. I guess that voice doesn't care how I accomplish that? Maybe that voice is coming from the Peanut Gallery.

7. I'm not sure what I should do.

8. What I do know is that my sleep has been horrible. My poor husband wanted me to call New Guy when I kept waking from nightmares in a panic yesterday. Of course, I refused. Because a person needs to have the ability to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Or not. Or maybe they do. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I only know that I'm tired and I don't feel good. I'm afraid I might be wearing down and I don't want the crash. Please not the crash. Please. Just no more. I try so hard. It's just not fair.

9. I'm going to bed now. That's right - I haven't yet been to bed. Yes, I see what is happening and I am afraid.

10. I asked Jenny where this insistence upon self-reliance is coming from. Long-time readers know that Jenny primarily communicates through songs. She sent me a song in response, but I don't know what it means. Or maybe I do. She sent the same song to me before, several years ago, repeatedly and for a long time. I imagined the song being sung by a character in a novel that I was writing at the time. And the character singing was a confused drug addict. So was I (the psychiatrist's benzos), but I didn't know it at the time. I dumped that shit, but now I drink so I won't need anyone. I started reading that old novel yesterday before the nightmares. Do you see why I don't often ask for Jenny's opinion?