Death By Summer

The hub has planned for us to go on vacation for five days. I don't know if I can. I think it might be a little dangerous for me to stay here by myself for that long, but I still don't know if I can manage to go. Summer forces closed quarters with the kids and I try so fucking hard to 'act normal' in front of them. If things are hard in a whole house, they certainly won't be easier in a hotel room. I feel like such a freak. And it's a bad way to feel when I'm already hurting so much inside. I want to feel better. I just want to feel safe. I talked to Old Guy last night. I emailed New Guy. They were both helpful, but I was communicating from so far down in the pit... I just want to feel better. I want it so bad. If I could have anything I want right now, it would be for New Guy to really come over here and sell me some insurance and then hold my hand while I fall asleep just like in my dream. I hope he doesn't think I'm a weirdo now. I just hurt and I'm so tired of being afraid. I just want to be okay. And 'regular life' doesn't stop just because I'm a basket case.

On the brighter side, our vacant rental was filled yesterday. If the new tenants are any indication of the state of our economy, then we are all fucked. It is an extended family situation with four working adults. Because that is what it takes to pay the fucking bills and provide for children these days. I like these people, though. They love our house and one of the reasons they want it is because they can still affford it even if they end up losing half of their income due to lay-offs. I like tenants who think ahead and consider sustainability. And they don't have pets. I love animals, but you would be totally grossed out if I told you about the messes and destruction my husband and I have had to contend with because of pets in our rentals. This particular house is one we used to live in, so it pleases me that a family with children has fallen in love with it. It's a good, solid house that knows how to shelter a person in a storm and still let lots of light come inside. It is pretty and I made it that way with my own two hands. And there is a huge backyard with privacy fencing to block the neighbors and then just a thin cyclone fence in the back so as not to spoil the view of the conservation area that serves as the rear neighbor. I hope these people will be very happy there. I understand they barbecue every weekend. I can picture them doing that in the same lovely backyard where I used to lie on my back on the picnic table and will myself into the sky above. The house I live in now was morphed with that one in the awesome dream of New Guy. We were in THAT living room because it used to HUG me.

I found that house when I was working as a real estate agent. We had something we called 'caravan' where every agent in the office would load up in their cars and visit the new listings. I hated caravan because it started at the crack of dawn and I never had enough sleep (nightmares, etc.) and I was never able to eat any breakfast. I remember how hungry I was when I first saw that house. No one lived there, so I snuck out back and stuffed myself with oranges from its tree, which still bears fruit. And then I came back later to buy the place. I wish my mother and brother had not moved into the neighborhood. I wish they would go away so I could go home. I'm jealous of my tenants. I just want to go home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.