I feel sad. I don't have much energy and the summer is not going well so far. I have so much to do and I'm very disorganized and nearly paralyzed by the heavy blanket of dread and fear that weighs me down and multiplies the force of gravity in my personal space. I'm trying hard just to keep going, but really I'm just forcing myself through the basic motions of survival. I don't know how to get better anymore. Even the smallest thing that might help me is contaminated with the trauma of the past and I'm stuck in a between place where I can't work with it and I can't quite make it go away. All I can do is spot it and detach from it out of what has become an ingrained habit (because I've been DBTed) and then crack the whip on myself to make the herculean effort to do even the smallest things like cook the food, wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. I am too mentally disorganized to read, so my new companions at night are my audio books. They are stories I am already familiar with because I am too scattered to follow an unfamiliar plot. I'm losing hope. I need a reason to live. I don't mean I need a reason not to die. I mean I need something that would make me really live. And I have no idea what something like that might look like.

p.s. Any comments that smack of 'mindfulness' and new-age horseshit will be deleted.