For a person with a dissociative disorder, I am surprisingly reliable for most things. Probably because I never agree to do things I can't do. But for things I can do, like show up to appointments that I agreed to, barring some sort of unforeseen emergency, I will be there when I say I will. Except for my appointment with New Guy on Monday night. It was a deviation from the normal appointment schedule which he made to accommodate my request. I got the time wrong. I thought I was supposed to be there at 7:00, but I was actually supposed to be there at 6:00. I arrived at 6:50 and learned of the mix up. But you know what? He waited for me. I know part of it was luck because his schedule might not have allowed for such a thing, but I was touched by what he said when I got there. He said he wondered if I had gotten the time wrong because he knew it wasn't like me to be late or to not show up and he wanted to wait for me. It makes me feel good that he trusted that I wouldn't just not show up when I said I would (or when I *thought* I said I would). It makes me feel like he has been paying attention and really understands my sincerity. I'm paying attention, too. New Guy is nice to me. He is right when he tells me that he is not like the therapists in the Peanut Gallery and I'm so glad I stuck it out when a few wrong words sent me into a PTSD-fueled freakout. (And yes, I will confirm via email next time an appointment deviates from the norm. Because my brain is a very busy place and I don't want to get it wrong.)
And here is where I make the confession that the appointment date was in my calendar with no time specified. I remember I asked him last week and didn't write it down because I was such a mess and I only just now flipped my calendar from March to April. I don't like being a disaster, but this makes me want to try harder without feeling the need to say mean things to myself over it. I want to make sure I never mess up the time again. I want to remain worthy of trust when someone gives it to me.
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My calendar was such a mess. But when my brain can't even remember the right day.I'm really screwed. Your new guy sounds great.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's hard. I try to keep basic organization, but it gets hard when there is too much pain inside. I feel something for New Guy. I don't think he will hurt me. It makes me want to try harder, but in a nice way instead of just cracking the whip on myself and getting all ruthless about it. I need that. Thanks for stopping in Wanda. I always appreciate you. You're such a nice lady.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{Wanda}}}}}}}}
New Guy should be called "Nice Guy". I'm so glad you are able to trust him, it is so important.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad - this sounds like a good thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you are finding you can trust New Guy. Trust is such a huge thing and it looks like he's really earning it the right way.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you are finding you can trust New Guy. Trust is such a huge thing and it looks like he's really earning it the right way.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good feeling. I'm glad the New Guy is doing well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad new guy waited. He is earning ur trust- no small feat for us traumatized folk. I'm glad you trust him and feel like he an help you. You deserve it!
ReplyDeletehugs - Gracie
um my word verification is 'squidest' what's that about?
Cool.
ReplyDelete