ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'm angry. I'm really fucking angry!!! It's the thing with hurting my back during the fucked up sexual marathon. No, the anger is not even about sex right now, not even about the abuse I endured as a child, or even about the rapes I suffered at ages 15, 17 and 29. No. It's about something even bigger. MUCH BIGGER. What could be bigger? I'll tell you.

All I have ever needed was for someone (whom I do not fuck) to LISTEN to me - to believe me and understand what I have been through. That is all I needed. And it was nowhere to be found. NOWHERE!!! How can this even fucking BE???!!!!!!! How can a fourteen year-old girl be brought into the emergency room for swallowing a bottle of pills and not have anyone ask the hard questions? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW. NO ONE EVER WANTED TO KNOW. I hate them for not wanting to know. They didn't care about me because they didn't ever want contaminated people like me to pop into their minds while they were eating dinner.

How can a woman suffer horrible panic, tell her doctor, and suffer corporal punishment for her effort? BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. Yeah, after the dissociated rape (age 29), I had a panic attack when a voice in my head (Rambo) told me to run my rapist over with my car while he was checking things out under the hood. Shortly thereafter, he told me to push the rapist down the stairs right after he displayed sexual interest. I'm no killer. The panic from the voice was TERRIBLE. Especially since I could not remember the rape and saw no cause for such hostility. HURT THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN????? Unthinkable. I panicked and I looked for help in the only place I could think of. But it wasn't a safe place to look and I didn't even know it. SHE, THE DOCTOR WHO DIDN'T ASK AND DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW, prescribed very dangerous drugs and led me down the garden path to my own demise. I hate that bitch. I really do. She was the beginning of a living fucking nightmare. The drugs she prescribed fucked me up so bad, that I needed yet OTHER drugs, just to stay sane. And the whole while she insisted that I was defective - DISEASED, and that it was all for my own good. The stupid cow. She treated some VERY suspicious injuries. When I was pregnant, she was the one I asked about the possibility of a father's drug use causing genetic damage that could harm his children, yet she would not see. She just labeled me as co-dependent instead and I hate her for it. The pills she gave me made it so that I was no longer capable of researching things or thinking for myself. One thing led to another, and after many psychiatrists and pills, I was trapped in a terrible maze of addiction that I eventually had to escape by myself with a little help from my husband. Yeah, he hid me away from the children in the back room of our house and brought me food. In the middle of the living psychotic nightmare, he came in periodically to assure me that I was going to be okay. That aliens were NOT coming to steal my DNA and clone me over and over until I didn't know which 'me' was real. He protected me from the doctors. He saved me AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCK HIM WITHOUT THE SHIT HITTING THE FAN AND I'M SOOOOO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT THAT.

Yeah, I can't fuck my own husband without throwing out my back because of the damage that was caused by the drugs. NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW. THEY JUST WANT TO DRUG ME AND HURT ME. THEY WANT ME TO HAVE IBS, INFLAMMATION, ARTHRITIS AND INFECTIONS. THEY WANT TO CRASH MY IMMUNE SYSTEM BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID. THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO LIVE AND RIGHT NOW I HATE EVERYONE.

I was so plagued by their fucking drugs and it infuriates me to know that some of the damage caused by their poisons is PERMANENT. Because no one wanted to listen. They just wanted to drug me and shut me up. I WILL NEVER SHUT UP. I should have sued her. If I had recognized the damage in time - I would have. And if I could go backward in time, I would run the rapist over with my car and then throw his putrid corpse down that flight of stairs. And I would do it with a clean conscience. FUCK - I'D THROW A GODDAMN PARTY AFTER THE FUNERAL. You know what else? I hate psychiatrists and their willfully ignorant supporters. I would run them over with my car and throw them down a flight of stairs, too. Sure, I would have to adjust my fucking spine afterward, but I would still have had a REALLY good time ridding the earth of scum.

You know what I really don't get? I don't get lawyer jokes. Even though the rapist was a lawyer. Rapists can have ANY occupation. It's the fucking psychiatriats that we should be laughing about when they go over a cliff by the fucking busload. At least the lawyers will sign up to sue their sorry asses. Now THAT is a fucking public service if ever there was one.